The more information we gather regarding weight, epilepsy, whatever – it truly does change things!  I have been so blind when it comes to my lesion resting on my impaired left frontal lobe.  Blowing things off and laughing have certainly gotten me through but facing up to the reality of it all – nope not me!!!  I believe I am fortunate and I feel that things could always be worse.  I say that all the time and probably have said it on my blog already – hell if I remember.  Sweeping things under the rug gets us nowhere right?  Laughing about my fat ass didn’t make me healthy did it?  I laughed about it for years.  It wasn’t so funny when a quick turn could be danger for my butt alone, receiving a bruise from the corner of a table, ouch!!  Knocking some poor vase over that was just innocently sitting on the counter, kinda embarrassing.  Thinking I had enough room to squeeze through a space but then it wasn’t wide enough for me.  Really funny right?

I’m fine, I really am.  But the harsh reality is, things like this aren’t funny!  I’ve connected with people locally, people hours away and people in different countries.  Weight, health issues – whatever – it’s not funny.  Especially when you find it funny enough that you choose to do nothing about it!  I can’t do anything to change my epilepsy but I should educate myself about it.  I can take meds., go to the Dr. and possibly even have surgery.  The harsh reality is that I am most likely always going to have seizures.  I’ve always had the ability to be a bitch and be in a rare mood.  Good chance that came from my Dad.  I’ve also had a lesion on my brain since birth.  Is that an excuse, does that give me the right to be ugly?  Hell no! Unfortunately genetics, add some multiple meds and side effects to that – yikes!  But maybe if I had educated myself more, especially once this location became active, I could have been working on managing my emotions.  I am who I am now, there is no front with me, you get what you get and honestly most of my friends like that.  These nasty emotions don’t come over me often but when they do, ugh I just want to hide.  My new epileptic friends across the world, so many feel the same.  The nastiness you feel, the worry, the stress.  Letting family and friends down.  I am reading a new twitter contacts blog, she reads mine, and I feel so bad at times for the emotions she goes through and has gone through.  She doesn’t want pity, neither do I, but I can’t help but think in my head “you’re not letting people down, it’s ok to worry”.  I feel these same emotions and I am thinking she shouldn’t feel bad yet I feel bad – what a hypocrite I am being!!  She’s had some scary “moments”, “episodes”.  I’ve had one grand mal seizure, the rest are complex partial and possibly some simple partial.  I remember that grand mal to this day.  Well, I remember what took place after.  I feel bad that’s what she deals with and feel mine are nothing in comparison.

My point?  I’m not sure.  I’m reigning in some emotions today.  My face is numb and vision is a bit crossed.  That will pass shortly.  We can’t sweep health related issue under the rug and ignore them.  I am learning to understand things about my brain and it is making me feel better.  My epilepsy IS tied to my weight loss.  Why?  Because I was considered obese and I have a condition that most likely will never go away.  Would I be sitting here typing to you all healthy and in shape had I not been diagnosed with epilepsy?  I dont’ know for sure.  My husband and daughter are affected by my brain everyday and that is enough.  I didn’t need to add weight related problems to that.  So I guess there is a connection.  Take hold guys, face up to what you struggle with.  Find what works for you, read, do what you can!  Make it work.  We may not have the same things to work through but it doesn’t mean we aren’t relatable in some way.  Decide what you want and make it happen.  It’s not easy but it is.   It is a choice we make and follow through with it!!

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