April 10, 2013

Starting this next post I just want to mention that I have and do go through phases with weight loss that are not good.  I will share that with you – I realize when I am being crazy but there is something that comes over me and I just can’t help it.  When I first reached 138 it was done in an unhealthy way, I was in the hospital and it was a touch out of my control.  But I have and can be 138 and do it healthy.  I do call that my fighting weight because it does require a lot of focus.  It’s not a number I maintain regularly.

School started on Tuesday following my return from UVA.  I was exhausted so I laid low and rested.  T was coming Wednesday and I was ready to get back on track with our workouts.  She showed up at my house bright and early Wed. morning – 8am.  She saw me and her jaw hit the floor.  Not in a good way either.  I wasn’t really sure what her reaction would be but I secretly expected her to be happy.  All I got was – oh my gosh Shellie boo!  No smile at all!  I know she was happy to see me but my appearance took over the happy reaction.  She was not pleased about my weight loss.  I again can’t deny it, I was a little happy about that 12 pd weight loss.  She couldn’t even fake a smile, it was furrowed brow and jaw dropped.  Now, I knew in my heart that I looked like complete shit!  I was pale, not my normal pale either.  Washed out pale and my face was sunken in.  I looked sick and I knew it but I didn’t care.  I expected her to be happy.  She should be happy because I was, even though she had no idea how I felt.  I was hiding my feelings.  Deep down I was thrilled about that weight loss and I wanted her to be happy too.  I was so mad at her.  I didn’t let her know though, not at that point.  I brushed it off – oh yes I know I don’t look good, I realize I am going to gain some of it back.  Blah, blah, basically told her what she wanted to hear.  For me, boom that was it!  The challenge had been set.  I was not going to gain any of that weight back and she pissed me off telling me that I would.  I had so much brewing inside – she didn’t even know.  I certainly wasn’t going to reveal it to her, how pissed I was and how much I wanted to stay that weight.  My ugly side was returning but I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t want her to try to help me, I wanted to be pissy.  I wanted to prove her wrong.  I was being a big baby!  I get that way with her sometimes.  I couldn’t look her in the eye because I was pissed at her and because I was lying to her at the same time.  Told her I knew I’d gain that quick weight drop back and that I was ok with it.   My whole journey had been positive.  I had been realistic but I finally reached a point where those old feelings returned.  Once I saw one number, I’d want to see one lower.  I hadn’t felt those ugly, under pressure feelings for years.  September of 2012 they had returned.  I hated the way I would feel but I loved the drive they would give me.  I wasn’t about to let T stomp on my efforts.  To add to T pissing me off, I saw Ms. H the next day.  Happy greetings?  Sure, she was glad that I was home but she raised her eye brows at me and said ” has T seen you”?  I never get pissed at Ms. H but she pissed me off that day!  Why was no one happy but me?  And great, not only was I gonna have T on my ass about this but now Ms. H too!!!  Perfect!!!

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