April 10, 2013
Starting this next post I just want to mention that I have and do go through phases with weight loss that are not good. I will share that with you – I realize when I am being crazy but there is something that comes over me and I just can’t help it. When I first reached 138 it was done in an unhealthy way, I was in the hospital and it was a touch out of my control. But I have and can be 138 and do it healthy. I do call that my fighting weight because it does require a lot of focus. It’s not a number I maintain regularly.
School started on Tuesday following my return from UVA. I was exhausted so I laid low and rested. T was coming Wednesday and I was ready to get back on track with our workouts. She showed up at my house bright and early Wed. morning – 8am. She saw me and her jaw hit the floor. Not in a good way either. I wasn’t really sure what her reaction would be but I secretly expected her to be happy. All I got was – oh my gosh Shellie boo! No smile at all! I know she was happy to see me but my appearance took over the happy reaction. She was not pleased about my weight loss. I again can’t deny it, I was a little happy about that 12 pd weight loss. She couldn’t even fake a smile, it was furrowed brow and jaw dropped. Now, I knew in my heart that I looked like complete shit! I was pale, not my normal pale either. Washed out pale and my face was sunken in. I looked sick and I knew it but I didn’t care. I expected her to be happy. She should be happy because I was, even though she had no idea how I felt. I was hiding my feelings. Deep down I was thrilled about that weight loss and I wanted her to be happy too. I was so mad at her. I didn’t let her know though, not at that point. I brushed it off – oh yes I know I don’t look good, I realize I am going to gain some of it back. Blah, blah, basically told her what she wanted to hear. For me, boom that was it! The challenge had been set. I was not going to gain any of that weight back and she pissed me off telling me that I would. I had so much brewing inside – she didn’t even know. I certainly wasn’t going to reveal it to her, how pissed I was and how much I wanted to stay that weight. My ugly side was returning but I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t want her to try to help me, I wanted to be pissy. I wanted to prove her wrong. I was being a big baby! I get that way with her sometimes. I couldn’t look her in the eye because I was pissed at her and because I was lying to her at the same time. Told her I knew I’d gain that quick weight drop back and that I was ok with it. My whole journey had been positive. I had been realistic but I finally reached a point where those old feelings returned. Once I saw one number, I’d want to see one lower. I hadn’t felt those ugly, under pressure feelings for years. September of 2012 they had returned. I hated the way I would feel but I loved the drive they would give me. I wasn’t about to let T stomp on my efforts. To add to T pissing me off, I saw Ms. H the next day. Happy greetings? Sure, she was glad that I was home but she raised her eye brows at me and said ” has T seen you”? I never get pissed at Ms. H but she pissed me off that day! Why was no one happy but me? And great, not only was I gonna have T on my ass about this but now Ms. H too!!! Perfect!!!