April 18, 2013

Trying to sleep through those early hours Saturday morning was unbearable.  Having another new person brought to my room, I was not able nor willing to deal with it.  I can sit here now and type, realizing that I was being nothing but a selfish big baby.  At the time though I had just had enough.  I wanted to go home,  I wanted to see my family, I wanted to sleep, I wanted my coffee – I was just plain tired and I just couldn’t take anything else.  I was to the point where anything outside of peace and quiet was going to push me over the edge.   Gosh it just sounds so silly now but I was fueled with so much anger and agitation that I couldn’t see past myself –  my own selfish needs.  Through the whole early morning hours I had my ear phones in, oh sweet music please relax me!!! It wasn’t working!  I know I fell asleep for short spurts but nothing substantial.  The tech staff wasn’t bothering me so that was a plus.  I was twitching and having odd episodes.  The only thing that kept me from going completely crazy was knowing that I was going home that morning/afternoon.  Eric and Elizabeth were heading up to UVA that morning and left early enough so when I was to be released they would be there.  

I know I finally sat up at one point because I realized that trying to rest QUIETLY was not going to happen.  I remember turning on my TV and putting my phone & earphones on my table and thinking that I needed to go to the bathroom.  That’s all I remember.  Next thing I know I am standing at my bed with my nurse and tech nurse talking to me.  I slowly got focused and realized where I was.  I sat down and my nurse said she had called for my Dr.’s and they would be coming in.  Oh shit!!  What had I done was all I could think.  I am not going to get to go home.  As I sat there I had no idea what I had done.  I realized that I didn’t have my harness on and the pack that all my wires were connected to was missing.  It ran through my head – As long as nothing odd happened then I’d get to go home.  My Dr.’s said that to me Friday morning.  If nothing odd happened, I’d get to go home Saturday.  One of my Dr.’s came in and had an odd look on his face.  Basically what happened is I freaked out.  My Dr. asked me a bunch of questions.  My unit had stopped working in the middle of the night – no brain activity recorded which meant the little freak out episode that had happened was not recorded.  They had video but no brain monitoring.   Apparently I stood up and froze for a moment and then started ripping the equipment off.  Out of the walls, off of me and then went to the bathroom and came back to my bed.  Fortunately I had not tried ripping the wires off my head.  I was mortified!  I felt so bad yet I didn’t really even know what I had done.  The nurses and my Dr. were so nice about it.  They assured me that in my week there I hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary.  I could only tell them that I remembered standing up and sitting down.  My Dr. said he had to talk with my other Dr. and they would be back to speak with me.  Had I blown it?  That’s what I asked him.  He looked at me with such a kind face and said he truly hoped not but the decision was not up to him.  If they believed it was a type of seizure, then I may have to stay.   I was so upset.  I called Eric and told him that I had some freak out episode and I was so afraid they were going to keep me.

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