Bailey and I have already been to the gym and I am now home.  Our gym day is short on Thursday because I volunteer in Elizabeth’s class on Thursday’s.  Bailey and I once again danced around doing the elliptical.  We will literally stand near the cardio area and talk through what we have done cardio wise just to make sure it is an elliptical day – even though we both know it is.  Elliptical is now over for a few days!! 

I have been trying to eat as “clean” as possible and I will tell you that it is very hard.  Especially at dinner.   I am working out hard and I am finding that I am more hungry than normal.  I know that I have gained some muscle weight but the number I see on the scale is not acceptable.   

A couple of days ago I shared with my husband that the ugliness is brewing!  He is my sounding board and no matter what I think or feel or am trying to do, I need him to tell me all will be well.   He lets me work through things in my head but I also know that he will tell me when I should re-think a decision.  I can have all the confidence in the world, the sense of humor to get me by but there is something about him giving me a thumbs up or down that I just need.  My weight is one of the things he lets me work through.  I know when I am being ridiculous but it doesn’t stop me from acting like a dumbass.  He’s always had a way with my weight struggles.  No clue what it is.   A few of my friends know that I can get really ugly towards myself.  I can and will put a lot of pressure on myself to meet certain goals.  Yes, sometimes unrealistic goals.  I have talked awful about myself to my friend Stacey and I know she wants to punch me when I do.  I have told T and Ms. H about the feelings that I have had in the past and that there are times I feel them again.  They encourage me but it can go in one ear and out the other.  Bailey hears me bitch everyday about myself and always gives me a positive in return.  Now don’t miss understand, we are still jackholes but when I am being brutal she will tell me to knock it off. 

I am having a lot of frustration with myself and trying to keep my ugliness at bay.  Sometimes it is so hard for me to tell you the things I do.  To show pictures.  Some days I feel like such a hypocrite.  Trying to encourage you and I can’t encourage myself.  Those frustrations you feel, I STILL feel them.  I talked about never having weight loss figured out.  I can’t express to you all how much I mean that!!  I post pictures and try to share my gut feelings cause it’s what you all tell me you can relate to.  I will have a happy moment about the way I look and then tell you all I am going to post pictures.  The number of views on my site skyrocket!!  You all want to see them and I get that, it just makes me nervous that they will disappoint.  So then I sit and I analyze every single picture before I post it.   I’ve gone years without having or really wanting my picture taken.  So now when I do have one taken I need someone in the picture with me.  UGH!!   Add to the comfort/habit factor of no pictures or needing someone in the picture – I don’t like the way I look right now.   I’m going to see my friend Charleen on Monday, maybe I will have her take a couple decent pictures and go from there.   

It’s getting nice out, we’ve had spring break which means the end of school is  just around the corner.  For the last two years this is when I start getting scared.  It’s like a countdown to failure.  No T means failure.  I’ve been successful so believe me I know I shouldn’t feel that way.  I see Bailey almost everyday and we keep each other motivated and in check.  I wasn’t dependant on Bailey this time last year, it all fell on T.  Ha!  Now the fear is divided between them. 

So there you have it.  I feel better getting it off my chest.  There are a few inner feelings and thoughts that I often have.  I can be a hand full.   I was having trouble with my blog, updates, couple of the plugins but it certainly came at a good time.   Please push on with your goals.  Positives and negatives will come during your journey but count on friends and family to help you.  Admitting that these bumps happen and will happen makes a huge difference.  Being in denial isn’t going to help!

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