lack of motivation (blog 4/22/13)

  • Posted on April 22, 2013 at 8:59 pm

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Today was a rough start to the week.  Neither Bailey or I was looking forward to the gym.  We decided to top off our lack of motivation with cardio on the elliptical.  As I have mentioned previously, we hate the elliptical.  It’s done for the week now unless we do a fat burn on Friday.  Nothing like starting your week off un-motivated and trying to make up excuses as to why you can’t make it to the gym.  I don’t feel very positive when I spend time thinking about how I can avoid working out.  I know I seem so motivated to many of my friends and most of the time I am.  I feel like I am in such a slump lately and can’t seem to pull myself out.  I feel like I am going through the motions.  Kinda like my heart isn’t in it.  I like it when I am die-hard motivated and doing hard-core workouts.  T keeps telling me that we all go through slumps, clearly I am in one now.  She says that we can’t eat and workout like we normally do and not go through a down phase.  I am trying to go with that right now.

I actually put more of my face in the gym photo today but I failed to have Charleen take pictures of me solo.  I am not up for it just yet.  It’s cold here again and was a bit rainy so that was my excuse as to why I should pass on a photo session.   I just can’t seem to seriously pose for a photo.  A silly photo snap is one thing in a way, especially when I am not alone.  For some reason it’s getting harder to have photo’s taken than easier.  Just like as I lost the weight I became more critical of myself than I was when I was heavy.  Down 110-120 pds and I am still critical.  When do I stop?  I have expectations in my mind about how I should look and when I don’t meet them then everything just goes to shit in my head.  I don’t like acknowledging anything when it comes to weight loss success.  I have so many fears that I will gain the weight back.  I hate when T tells me I look healthy.  You know what that means to me?  It means I am fat!  She’s not gonna be happy when she reads that.  My heart is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me another.  Ms. H is right, it’s the devil.  The devil is that damn silver scale I step on every morning with the bright blue light.  When that number flashes my “worth” is set.

It is a horrible thing my friends to feel like this.  This inner battle that I know many of us feel.  It comes and goes for me.  There are times when I am better and I don’t let it drag me down.  But there are times when it’s all I can think about.  This blog is all honesty and some of it isn’t pretty.  I can tell you how I lost weight and how I am keeping it off.  I can make you laugh and be goofy.  I’m not perfect at this though and I don’t have much confidence right now that I’ll figure it out.  I have a certain personality and am often hard to read.  “Poker Face” I have been told on a few occasions.  I Don’t let many people in, most times a guard is up and sense of humor takes over.  I am not sensitive nor am I emotional.  I am close with my family and I count on them a lot.  But I also have several friends, YES I indeed do, and I depend on them in different ways.  Some of them are totally aware and others probably don’t even realize.  I see them, speak to them or text them daily.  Reach out to family and friends.  You’ll find that they can help you in different ways, you may not even realize it at first.  I have and I am like Shrek – a stinky onion that has layers and layers to peel off.

6 Comments on lack of motivation (blog 4/22/13)

  1. amymessinger says:

    In all seriousness….I think you need to pray about this and ask God to reveal what is at the root of this. Ask God if He will show you why this is such a huge burden that you carry. Find someone who will partner with you on this….helps!! I promise!! 🙂 XOXOXO

  2. michelle bey says:

    I know I need to but I am not sure I want too at the same time. Having dropped the weight, I am afraid I will gain it back if I stop focusing on it. I use to focus on it when I was younger & when I stopped I gained.

  3. Bronwyn says:

    I followed you guys into Walmart yesterday and was going to say hi but I was on the phone. Seeing you lose all the weight was SUCH a motivation for me. Of course, it took me a year to finally get my butt in gear, but I’m doing it. I keep telling myself, if Michelle can do it, I can do it. I’m down 14 pounds, 9 to go to my goal weight, and I feel AMAZING!!! I’m beginning to see muscles in my stomach that I have NEVER seen. Please just know how amazing you are 🙂

  4. michelle bey says:

    thanks Bronwyn! congrats on your success, very happy for you!!!

  5. Susie Lederer says:

    Hey Michelle! Thanks for sharing your story with me! I read your entire blog yesterday and you are such an inspiration. My weight battles are constant also…it hasn’t been a good winter for me. I am on an exercise kick now but need to make much better food choices. You look INCREDIBLE and really are a motivating force through your writing. Know that there are those of us gaining inspiration from the blog entries! Amazing!

  6. michelle bey says:

    Thank you so much Susie!!! I appreciate that so much. I have good days and bad days when I write – some days I feel so blah! I have several friends that keep me going and kind words like your’s really help so thank you very much! So many of us face weight battles, it’s so frustrating! Helps to know we aren’t the only one’s who struggle I think. My trainer that I work with and count on all the time, she encourages me daily. She tells me that one post may not affect someone but it may someone else. Keep up with your program!! Tackle one thing at a time, baby steps sometimes is really key. Small goals. It can be done!!!! I’ve not taken anything, had anything done. Food choices and exercise! I have people who text me, in-box me, e-mail me. I am willing to share anything so don’t hesitate to ask. Thank you again and you stick it out!!!!

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