Today was a rough start to the week.  Neither Bailey or I was looking forward to the gym.  We decided to top off our lack of motivation with cardio on the elliptical.  As I have mentioned previously, we hate the elliptical.  It’s done for the week now unless we do a fat burn on Friday.  Nothing like starting your week off un-motivated and trying to make up excuses as to why you can’t make it to the gym.  I don’t feel very positive when I spend time thinking about how I can avoid working out.  I know I seem so motivated to many of my friends and most of the time I am.  I feel like I am in such a slump lately and can’t seem to pull myself out.  I feel like I am going through the motions.  Kinda like my heart isn’t in it.  I like it when I am die-hard motivated and doing hard-core workouts.  T keeps telling me that we all go through slumps, clearly I am in one now.  She says that we can’t eat and workout like we normally do and not go through a down phase.  I am trying to go with that right now.

I actually put more of my face in the gym photo today but I failed to have Charleen take pictures of me solo.  I am not up for it just yet.  It’s cold here again and was a bit rainy so that was my excuse as to why I should pass on a photo session.   I just can’t seem to seriously pose for a photo.  A silly photo snap is one thing in a way, especially when I am not alone.  For some reason it’s getting harder to have photo’s taken than easier.  Just like as I lost the weight I became more critical of myself than I was when I was heavy.  Down 110-120 pds and I am still critical.  When do I stop?  I have expectations in my mind about how I should look and when I don’t meet them then everything just goes to shit in my head.  I don’t like acknowledging anything when it comes to weight loss success.  I have so many fears that I will gain the weight back.  I hate when T tells me I look healthy.  You know what that means to me?  It means I am fat!  She’s not gonna be happy when she reads that.  My heart is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me another.  Ms. H is right, it’s the devil.  The devil is that damn silver scale I step on every morning with the bright blue light.  When that number flashes my “worth” is set.

It is a horrible thing my friends to feel like this.  This inner battle that I know many of us feel.  It comes and goes for me.  There are times when I am better and I don’t let it drag me down.  But there are times when it’s all I can think about.  This blog is all honesty and some of it isn’t pretty.  I can tell you how I lost weight and how I am keeping it off.  I can make you laugh and be goofy.  I’m not perfect at this though and I don’t have much confidence right now that I’ll figure it out.  I have a certain personality and am often hard to read.  “Poker Face” I have been told on a few occasions.  I Don’t let many people in, most times a guard is up and sense of humor takes over.  I am not sensitive nor am I emotional.  I am close with my family and I count on them a lot.  But I also have several friends, YES I indeed do, and I depend on them in different ways.  Some of them are totally aware and others probably don’t even realize.  I see them, speak to them or text them daily.  Reach out to family and friends.  You’ll find that they can help you in different ways, you may not even realize it at first.  I have and I am like Shrek – a stinky onion that has layers and layers to peel off.

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