April 30, 2013

The start of my sessions with T in Sept. 2012 were a bit rocky.  Actually I am probably the only one who thought that.  I knew T was no longer going to support my weight loss goals, yet I hadn’t really told her anything!  I got her reaction from my weight loss while at UVA so I guess I took that as to how she would react to any further weight loss.  I knew I was going to struggle to stay at 138 but I really wanted to.  Since getting there hadn’t been done in a healthy manner, it really was inevitable that I would gain some of the weight back – I knew that.  That didn’t stop me from wanting it though.  I had seen the number and I wanted to continue to see it.  So the game was on!  BUT I played nice and acted all positive and hid what I was really thinking.  Not the first time when it came to weight.  I’d done it for years in high school and college.  Then when my weight gain happened my feelings were different, I had to adjust to my weight going in the other direction.  Once again my feelings were hidden.  A master!

I did put some weight on after my drastic weight loss.  Heck I probably gained two pds just from drinking a glass of water.  In the end it ended up being about 7 pds that I gained back.  I can’t say for sure but I don’t think you could really tell.  My color looked better and my face wasn’t sunken in anymore.  Everyone was happy but me.  The inner turmoil, the pressure of seeing a number.  Struggles, struggles!!  I wanted to hit a weight so bad, an unhealthy number, I was willing to risk my sessions with T.  My friendship really.  She wouldn’t have backed off but I sure as shit was ready to shove her out of my way.  I buried it for weeks and acted as though any weight gain was ok with me and said that I was feeling great!!

T was coming to my house once a week and we’d go to the gym once a week and meet Bailey.  The rest of the time I was going to the gym with Bailey.  She and I were really just hanging for the first time on a consistent basis.  I’d known her for a while but we had started working out almost everyday so we were just getting to know each other.  She knew me when I was heavier but she did not know anything about the weight issues in my head.  That had all pretty much been left with Eric.  She definitely took an approach more like Eric’s.  Kind of letting me deal on my own but pop me in the head when I was ridiculous.  Believe me I know I can be too.  For some reason it doesn’t stop me from seeing myself differently, thinking I look heavy.  My friend Stacey tells me that all the time.  I don’t see myself the way others do.  Why is that?  So many of us do it.  My husband and family are so tired of hearing me put myself down.  I mean it’s one thing to joke but it’s another when it’s constant AND you believe it.  I’m not the only one who does this right?  My appearance is never good enough.

Certainly some of you would never imagine that I battle with emotions like I do.  Mostly because I show very few.  With exception to my family, most people I know probably never knew this about me.  I’d guess that a couple of my friends from way back had their suspicions but it’s not something that I’d address or admit to.  Weight, that is my struggle.  Whether it’s me thinking I am not thin enough, or that I am healthy or that I am overweight.  There you have it my friends, I constantly think about weight.

T finally got the low down from me towards the end of September early October.  My weight feelings as I usually refer to them.  I told her a touch about the annoying feelings that I get regarding weight loss but I put a positive spin on it at the same time – that’s one of my fav.’s.  I told her they were brewing but I would let her know if I was drifting out of control.  She made me promise – sure I would I told her!  Ha!  The master returns.

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