Well guys I have had a bit of a hiccup, my efforts to remain positive have slid back a bit.  Positive about what you ask?  My weight.  That damn number.  I can’t honestly say that the number was ever pushed out of my mind but it did seem to be less of a focus.  Probably because I just turned it into jokes about feeling fat.  Needless to say the scale and I are at it again.  The gloves have come off and she and I are at war.  I have reluctantly handed my frienemy off and don’t expect to see her again anytime soon.  T is frustrated with me and has offered to drive me to therapy sessions.  I say this with laughter but truth be told it is most likely what I will be doing if I don’t get control really soon.  I am all consumed with my weight right now and what the number is.   I have not yet been able to accept that 138 is not a realistic number for me.  I know it isn’t but knowing and accepting are two separate things.  I’ve seen it.  I reached it unhealthy and I reached it healthy – my version of healthy.  It’s not an easy weight to get to and certainly not easy to maintain.  A friend said yesterday that it is so freeing to not worry about weight but to think about how you feel instead.  She said it’s not like we wear our weight or size as a label for others to see.  I like that but can I do it?

I have people who know weight loss and fitness in and out.  Tricks to help us along.  I ask them for advice but do I take it?  I know what they are telling me is true but can I let it sink in?  The scariest thing I have been told – these expectations I have weight wise are going to sabotage me.  I am so hooked on a number that I risk ending up “skinny fat” or I’m possibly going to gain every pound I lost back.  Freaks me out!  Leaving the gym yesterday I had a conversation with two very knowledgeable fitness people.  Ya know who you are and if you were wondering, I was listening.  The tendency to want to give up some days is crazy hard because of the pressure I have put on myself to weigh a certain amount.  I literally feel anxious in my stomach though at the thought of not keeping a weight focus.  But I am more afraid of eventually giving up all together because 138 is too hard to reach and maintain.

I don’t see what others do.  I still see a big person and I know I am going to have to get past that if I really want freedom from weight.  My first step, the scale is gone.  As much as I am going to miss her and our fights, there is a small part of me that is happy that she is gone.  A glimmer of hope for me yet?  She hasn’t and won’t be able to dictate my days.  Step off the scale, for she is vicious.  If you have a healthy relationship with your scale, good for you.  If you do not, give it to someone who will hang on to it for you.  One guess as to who has mine!!

 

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