Confessing to the amount of food I ate was difficult, I think talking about my weight feelings ranks right up there. I was awful to T at times and to myself really. I beat myself up daily and sometimes I had (still have) so much anger towards T. She was so positive and it drove me nuts. Certainly she enjoys reading my blog posts when I talk about how mad I was at her. I know I’ve said it before but when I am preparing to confess emotions I remind myself and you that I am not 100% sure what T really knows. Heck for all I know she could have known exactly how I felt and was hiding it from me. Who am I kidding, it wasn’t T that I was mad at. I was mad at myself, it was and is easier to blame her.
My memory with dates isn’t great, so please forgive me. I know I jump around a bit. Certain things stick out in my head and I want to share. I am not always 100% sure in which order they occurred though.
When the school year wraps up, I always have a lot of emotions that circle around. So many great things with family and friends. My fears return too. Do I still need T? Probably not. Many people wonder why I am still with her. Even her husband has asked her. I can’t make the break. Like my big Marshall sweatshirt and my other baggy clothes, she is security for me. I can tell her everything about weight, tell her what I am willing to share. Sure I have others I talk with but I am selective as to how in-depth I go. Of course they all read my blog but there is something different about me telling them details and them reading it. I would never be “weight ugly” to Bailey, Leah or Stacey. I tell them things but I mean those true “I want to shove you” kinda looks that I am so fond of, never!! With T – the gloves come off. When I am angry, nothing makes me happier than to workout with her.
My ups and downs are simply that. I’ll be great, positive attitude and then boom, down I go. The way I look bothers me. I had a moment in the fall that I remember and wish I could take back. I had gone back up to UVA for a follow-up regarding the whole epilepsy testing process (details with all that will be in the epilepsy section). I am on three anticonvulsants and UVA Dr.’s decided to add a fourth. Vimpat. All was well initially. About three weeks later something just happened and I was off. I was totally stressing about my weight, I was frustrated and annoyed. Being able to hide feelings became hard, I actually couldn’t do it. This was different. T and Ms. H came to get me one day and we were going to meet Bailey at Fitness 19. I literally was out of my body, disconnected, I don’t really know what happened. I can’t remember if Bailey and I were working out like we do now, everyday and her picking me up. I do know that was the first time she ever saw a side of me that was so ugly. It was probably the ugliest that T had ever seen too. It saddens me to think that the three of them even had to deal with it but they did. It’s a black and white moment for me. Like a dream where I only remember bits and pieces – did it really happen type of thing. I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t talk at first, I was just shaking. I remember trying to run on the treadmill and I couldn’t do it. Next I know, we were gone. I remember T and Ms. H trying to talk to me but I didn’t want to. I know I did though. I can’t tell you what I said because I can’t remember. I exploded, that’s what it felt like. I remember I was so tired. I was tired of the worry and frustration of thinking. I was tired of feeling fat.
I wonder if T was surprised by that ? She’s seen me be pretty nasty and hard on myself. Ms. H certainly knows I can be but I am not sure she would have ever expected that – whatever that was. Bailey, it’s probably safe to say that she was totally caught off guard. I don’t think I’ve ever asked them.