Confessing to the amount of food I ate was difficult, I think talking about my weight feelings ranks right up there.   I was awful to T at times and to myself really.  I beat myself up daily and sometimes I had (still have) so much anger towards T.  She was so positive and it drove me nuts.  Certainly she enjoys reading my blog posts when I talk about how mad I was at her.  I know I’ve said it before but when I am preparing to confess emotions I remind myself and you that I am not 100% sure what T really knows.  Heck for all I know she could have known exactly how I felt and was hiding it from me.  Who am I kidding, it wasn’t T that I was mad at.  I was mad at myself, it was and is easier to blame her. 

My memory with dates isn’t great, so please forgive me.  I know I jump around a bit.  Certain things stick out in my head and I want to share.  I am not always 100% sure in which order they occurred though.     

When the school year wraps up, I always have a lot of emotions that circle around.  So many great things with family and friends.  My fears return too.  Do I still need T? Probably not.  Many people wonder why I am still with her.  Even her husband has asked her.  I can’t make the break.  Like my big Marshall sweatshirt and my other baggy clothes, she is security for me.  I can tell her everything about weight, tell her what I am willing to share.  Sure I have others I talk with but I am selective as to how in-depth I go.  Of course they all read my blog but there is something different about me telling them details and them reading it.  I would never be “weight ugly” to Bailey, Leah or Stacey.  I tell them things but I mean those true “I want to shove you” kinda looks that I am so fond of, never!!  With T – the gloves come off.  When I am angry, nothing makes me happier than to workout with her.

My ups and downs are simply that.  I’ll be great, positive attitude and then boom, down I go.  The way I look bothers me.  I had a moment in the fall that I remember and wish I could take back.  I had gone back up to UVA for a follow-up regarding the whole epilepsy testing process (details with all that will be in the epilepsy section).  I am on three anticonvulsants and UVA Dr.’s decided to add a fourth.  Vimpat.  All was well initially.  About three weeks later something just happened and I was off.  I was totally stressing about my weight, I was frustrated and annoyed.  Being able to hide feelings became hard, I actually couldn’t do it.  This was different.  T and Ms. H came to get me one day and we were going to meet Bailey at Fitness 19.  I literally was out of my body, disconnected, I don’t really know what happened.  I can’t remember if Bailey and I were working out like we do now, everyday and her picking me up.  I do know that was the first time she ever saw a side of me that was so ugly.  It was probably the ugliest that T had ever seen too.  It saddens me to think that the three of them even had to deal with it but they did.  It’s a black and white moment for me.  Like a dream where I only remember bits and pieces – did it really happen type of thing.  I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t talk at first, I was just shaking.  I remember trying to run on the treadmill and I couldn’t do it.  Next I know, we were gone.  I remember T and Ms. H trying to talk to me but I didn’t want to.  I know I did though.  I can’t tell you what I said because I can’t remember.  I exploded, that’s what it felt like.  I remember I was so tired.  I was tired of the worry and frustration of thinking.  I was tired of feeling fat. 

I wonder if T was surprised by that ?  She’s seen me be pretty nasty and hard on myself.  Ms. H certainly knows I can be but I am not sure she would have ever expected that – whatever that was.  Bailey, it’s probably safe to say that she was totally caught off guard.  I don’t think I’ve ever asked them.

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