weight loss update

  • Posted on May 25, 2013 at 3:01 pm

Confessing to the amount of food I ate was difficult, I think talking about my weight feelings ranks right up there.   I was awful to T at times and to myself really.  I beat myself up daily and sometimes I had (still have) so much anger towards T.  She was so positive and it drove me nuts.  Certainly she enjoys reading my blog posts when I talk about how mad I was at her.  I know I’ve said it before but when I am preparing to confess emotions I remind myself and you that I am not 100% sure what T really knows.  Heck for all I know she could have known exactly how I felt and was hiding it from me.  Who am I kidding, it wasn’t T that I was mad at.  I was mad at myself, it was and is easier to blame her. 

My memory with dates isn’t great, so please forgive me.  I know I jump around a bit.  Certain things stick out in my head and I want to share.  I am not always 100% sure in which order they occurred though.     

When the school year wraps up, I always have a lot of emotions that circle around.  So many great things with family and friends.  My fears return too.  Do I still need T? Probably not.  Many people wonder why I am still with her.  Even her husband has asked her.  I can’t make the break.  Like my big Marshall sweatshirt and my other baggy clothes, she is security for me.  I can tell her everything about weight, tell her what I am willing to share.  Sure I have others I talk with but I am selective as to how in-depth I go.  Of course they all read my blog but there is something different about me telling them details and them reading it.  I would never be “weight ugly” to Bailey, Leah or Stacey.  I tell them things but I mean those true “I want to shove you” kinda looks that I am so fond of, never!!  With T – the gloves come off.  When I am angry, nothing makes me happier than to workout with her.

My ups and downs are simply that.  I’ll be great, positive attitude and then boom, down I go.  The way I look bothers me.  I had a moment in the fall that I remember and wish I could take back.  I had gone back up to UVA for a follow-up regarding the whole epilepsy testing process (details with all that will be in the epilepsy section).  I am on three anticonvulsants and UVA Dr.’s decided to add a fourth.  Vimpat.  All was well initially.  About three weeks later something just happened and I was off.  I was totally stressing about my weight, I was frustrated and annoyed.  Being able to hide feelings became hard, I actually couldn’t do it.  This was different.  T and Ms. H came to get me one day and we were going to meet Bailey at Fitness 19.  I literally was out of my body, disconnected, I don’t really know what happened.  I can’t remember if Bailey and I were working out like we do now, everyday and her picking me up.  I do know that was the first time she ever saw a side of me that was so ugly.  It was probably the ugliest that T had ever seen too.  It saddens me to think that the three of them even had to deal with it but they did.  It’s a black and white moment for me.  Like a dream where I only remember bits and pieces – did it really happen type of thing.  I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t talk at first, I was just shaking.  I remember trying to run on the treadmill and I couldn’t do it.  Next I know, we were gone.  I remember T and Ms. H trying to talk to me but I didn’t want to.  I know I did though.  I can’t tell you what I said because I can’t remember.  I exploded, that’s what it felt like.  I remember I was so tired.  I was tired of the worry and frustration of thinking.  I was tired of feeling fat. 

I wonder if T was surprised by that ?  She’s seen me be pretty nasty and hard on myself.  Ms. H certainly knows I can be but I am not sure she would have ever expected that – whatever that was.  Bailey, it’s probably safe to say that she was totally caught off guard.  I don’t think I’ve ever asked them.

2 Comments on weight loss update

  1. amymessinger says:

    You didn’t ask….and it doesn’t matter that you did or didn’t. Meds or not, Epilepsy or not, we all have those ‘Chet’ days and friends are friends through it all…….the good, the bad and the ugly! XO

  2. michelle bey says:

    Thank you!! I really, really appreciate that!! Chet, that’s the best

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: