July 8, 2013

It’s been quite awhile since I updated this section.  I told you these weight feelings are hard to address.  I often hate returning to this section because I struggle trying to explain things.  It’s really hard to tell the truth in all of this when I have hidden so much along my journey.  I really was ok as I started dropping weight.  I took my frustrations out on T but that was really more me coming to terms with the anger I had.  Anger for letting myself gain weight and for letting my confidence slide.  Those shorts of things.  As I built my confidence up and my weight was reaching a healthy level, a good competitive side came out.  I felt good, healthy and strong.  Competing in the Military Challenge last August was great.  A bunch of us from our Cul-de-sak did it,  I’ve mentioned the “sak pak”.  I was so charged and energized at what I had accomplished, I really couldn’t stop.  Unfortunately, I channeled all that positive energy in a different direction.  Wasn’t the first time.

I may be repeating myself here, if I am stick with me for a moment.  When I was at Marshall University I became obsessed with working out.  I would go to the gym with a friend of mine and we would workout every day.  Sometimes we would go twice a day.  The difference between my friend and I at that time – I was starving myself and she wasn’t.  I was probably 141 or so when we started working out and at one point I dropped to 128.  Extremely hard for me to maintain but I did.  I was totally grouchy all the time and working out constantly.  I was awful to be around at times, I know I had to be.  I alienated friends who cared about me.  I was very thin, starving and I still wasn’t happy.  My mind plays such games.  At some point I rebounded, I really don’t know how.  I stopped the obsessive workouts and started eating better.  So shocking right?  That I would feel better if I ate!  I did though and I just wanted to be able to maintain a healthy weight and appearance.  Shortly after I got control, I went to college in New York.  That is where I met my husband.  He made me feel comfortable about myself, I was able to start eating on a regular basis.  I still struggled with the clothing side, everything I wore was baggy.  I was a healthy weight I guess but to me I needed to drop a few pounds.  I worked out some but my class schedule kept me busy.  My solution was to cover myself up.  Baggy clothes.  (I will be posting some pictures from my time in Brockport, NY).

Here I am again facing mind games that I never thought I’d see again.  Annoying my friends and family.  I can’t get my head around words of encouragement or acknowledging that what is being said to me is the truth.  I don’t want to be told that I am not fat, I think I am.  I lost that 12 pounds in the hospital last August and I liked it.  I liked being at 138.  Ever since August of 2013 the battle of an acceptable weight has continued.  It’s varied a little but my weight has been pretty consistent.  I am probably on the higher side of the range that I’ve been keeping and that has added to my frustrations.  I can’t maintain what I want so when I do gain I get pissed.  The advice I get from Tony at the gym makes complete sense but I am scared to death to do what he says.  My head is saying I know, I know but it won’t sink in.  I’ve lied to T over the last 10 months about food and weight, how am I suppose to be honest with either of them.

T asked me one day not too long ago if I wanted people to see me as strong and fit or weak and unhealthy.  It was hard to answer.  I want to be strong and fit but I know my vision of that is different from hers.  I know it frustrates her that I’ve done all this work and I can’t be satisfied.  I think in general maintenance is the hardest part but I can’t even rationalize in my head what is a good weight to maintain.   I hide it from my daughter, I don’t want her to be like me.  I talk about being healthy whenever my weight loss comes up.  I strictly did it because I was over weight and unhealthy.  I know that Eric knows I struggle.  I can only guess what he thinks.  I know I am not fat but yet I think I am.  How do you explain that to someone?  I don’t know why that number is so important to me now.  I know that friends and family are right, I know that T means well, I know that Tony is trying to help me not gain all the weight back!!  It just doesn’t register. How do I explain how and why my thought process has changed?  I was so positive during the course of my weight loss and now this.  Ugh!!!  It’s taken me three days to type these few paragraphs because I don’t know if I can explain or make any sense.

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