So after a much-needed pep talk, I’ve got my focus in the right direction.  I require talks to bring me down and out of a place of utter frustration.  I’m so ridiculous.   I don’t allow myself to completely take in healthy diet information and focus on it.  I definitely give it a try and will do ok but then I panic.  How odd is it that I was able to drop 120 pds and stay pumped most of the time about the weight loss.  I was excited along the way.  Then again, was I really honest about what I was eating?  I know for sure the end of last summer brought out the worst of my poor eating habits.  I wasn’t eating enough because I wanted to drop more weight.  How long during my journey did I eat bad?  I don’t even know and it’s probably best if I just leave that alone.

Seven weeks, that’s how long I’ve been trying to get this new diet right.  Reverse dieting.  I’ll be honest and say that I expected immediate results.  When I agreed to try and adjust my calories as Tony says, I really thought it would be easy and I’d see what I wanted to see right away.  Ha!  None of this is easy.  I wish I had a natural drive to have the right balance of exercise and diet.  I wanna skip corners though.  I made the big weight loss happen but staying healthy is hard work too.  It’s hard to find the balance of both.  I think a part of me thought it would be easy once the weight was off.

I have tried to determine why I am the way I am when it comes to food.  I’ve said before that I believe I put a lot of pressure on myself when I was young.  I compared myself to others size wise and felt I could reach a certain size by dieting.  Dieting wrong let me add.  I did it through high school and college and even those first years after I was married.  Poor habits!!  Still, this shouldn’t be as hard as I am making it though.  I completely spaz after several good days and I cut calories in half.  I’ve said it’s the scale but that’s just not it.  Oh believe me that number can piss me right off but it’s more than that.  After talking with my friend Stacey, I think I may have a little more clarity.  I resent myself.  I was over-weight for 10 plus years and I resent myself for it.  I’m letting old habits and resentment keep me from eating right.  I’ll do great for a few days and then my fun-filled combo of poor dieting habits and resentment pop up.  I will listen to Tony and will have every intention of doing what he says.  Hell I’ll be spot on for several days but then I snap!  I am mad at myself.  I’m mad that I was so over-weight for so long.  Mad because I feel like I hurt my husband.  Believe me I know in my heart I didn’t but I can’t make my head believe it.  I’m mad, because of the weight I carried there are things about my body that I can’t fix.  My old eating habits and resentment are a perfect sabotage.  Tony’s advice isn’t going to work if I can’t get out of my own way.  Maybe admitting is a step in the right direction.

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