I feel as though I’ve lost all control over what food I put in my mouth and the efforts I put into exercise.  I am beginning to fear that I am going to fall into the statistics of those who have a large weight loss and then gain weight back.  I type about what I need to work on, what I need to do to be healthy but mostly I’m telling you what I am being told.  I’m not giving 100% effort.  If I was I wouldn’t be typing over and over again about my annoyance with myself.  I can’t really even explain what goes on  in my head.  I listen, I hear, I know what I am being told is correct and I have a few moments where I tell myself I can move forward in a healthy way.  I’ve even had a couple of weeks where I did really well.  Eventually I forget the importance of healthy weight loss.  All the things Tony says to me get pushed to the side and I tell myself I can come back to his way of dieting later.  I tell myself I’ll get back down to 138 (I was so happy to see that #), I’ll get back into a size 6 jeans (never thought I’d wear that again) AND then I’ll re-turn to Tony’s way.  I make no sense!  The resentment and frustration I have towards myself is literally taking over.

I don’t like feeling annoyed and I hate that I go from positive to negative in a split second.  I hope this is just a process I need to go through.  So many bad habits that I need to break.  Years of bad habits!!!  Why can’t I truly think about the damage I’ve done?  Why can’t I work to fix it?  All I think about is how much easier it would be to eat far less!  I want my brain to stop working in over-drive about weight loss/health/exercise.  I’m tired of thinking about how every decision I make about food has set me back.  My husband always tells me I look great and to stop worrying.  I know he’s being honest, I know that is how he feels.  How did I develop such an obsession?  I don’t want to be unhealthy but I can’t completely let go of my idea of dieting.  A smack in the face, maybe that would get my attention!

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