Hey everyone! Hope everyone has been well. Busy here and once again collecting myself. It’s the same story I have shared over the last several weeks. Following rules and then I fall on my face. All my doing and no acceptable reason for it.
I have been reading a book written by an actress. She shares her story about weight & appearance. I have cringed at times reading some of the things she shares. Thing is I can relate. I don’t think I have been quite as extreme but I certainly relate and have done some similar things over the course of my life. Obsessing about my legs, arms, whatever. It can be all-consuming and has been at times. When I complain I know it drives my husband insane but for some reason I can’t stop bitching. Reading this ladies story has made me think about my blog. The many things I have shared. Being 258 and how I gored on food. Losing weight and portraying it has healthy. I believed I was doing things healthy because I was losing weight. I never considered that I was skinny fat. I didn’t really know how to diet but that didn’t come out until I started talking about T pissing me off. My poor habits became a realization when I complained about her.
Since about April I have struggled maintaining my weight. I can’t get to and keep 138. Even 145 is hard right now. I don’t know if those are realistic weights for me because I have never dieted healthy. Thing is, I don’t want people to read my blog and cringe the way I have when reading this ladies story. I don’t want people to wonder why I do certain things to reach a weight. I never wanted my blog to go in that direction. I am expecting frustration from time to time but I don’t want it to take hold anymore. I’d like to be able to take a compliment from my husband. I’d like to feel confident that I can eat right and not be 258 pds. I don’t want my posts to be the same thing over and over – I failed at this or failed at that.
The weeks of Tony trying to help me blur together now. I’ve no idea how long he’s put effort into getting through my thick skull. He’s had me try two different plans, different ways of eating and I’ve messed up multiple times. Monday he gave me a pretty structured plan to try. It tells me exactly what to do. I’m wrapping up my fourth day and so far so good. Not one time in four days have I thought about breaking the rules! I’m excited. So if I don’t have anything good to say I won’t blog at all.