Well, I don’t think I have gone this long without blogging.  I told my friend Saz, across the pond, that I hadn’t blogged because I didn’t have anything to blog about.  I feel like I just say the same thing over and over.  It was so much easier when I was telling you all the process, how I dropped pounds.  Telling about my epilepsy diagnosis was easy too.  I of course didn’t always share true feelings and certainly didn’t share how I actually lost weight.  I told people what I thought they wanted to hear.  How I was being so healthy and doing it right was the best way.  I didn’t say that I was a hypocrite.  I was honest about how hard I exercised but not about how I ate.  It took me forever to admit my poor eating habits to T so being honest with all of you isn’t easy either.  Even when I admitted it I convinced myself that I was right and she was wrong.  As for my epilepsy, I always brush it off.  I hold in everything about it and say it could be worse.  Yet I don’t always feel that way.  Medication – no big deal they’re just pills.  Except I don’t always feel that way either.  I confuse myself with my blog all the time.  I started it because I wanted to share a story of weight loss.  120 pds of weight dropped.  Including epilepsy not for sympathy but because so many people deal with medical conditions and medication while trying to lose weight.  Now I am just confused.  I’ve told the story so what is left to say?  Bitching, frustration, resentment and anger?  All of which I feel towards myself!!  The up and down is nauseating.  I feel like if I am going to blog I need to be a positive blogger.  Thing is, I can’t always be positive.  I have plenty of bad moods like the next person.  My moods are always reflected in my blogs too.  I feel pressure to find something to say some days.  When I am trying to gather myself, I feel like my posts are pointless.  To cover for my pointless posts or bad moods I have often said that I am moving on from weight frustrations etc.  Then I screw up a diet plan and get pissed and turn negative.

I can’t look at myself and be happy with what I see.  This can’t be corrected over night but I want it to be.  The weight I gained after I started eating the way Tony said – it won’t come off!!!  I go a few days and am ok with it and then I just get pissed.  I don’t have the patience to look down the road, I want instant results.  Epilepsy pisses me off and so do medications.  I literally can’t help some of the emotions that I go through.  I should go talk to someone Dr. B says but that is not going to happen!!!  I don’t need a psychiatrist to tell me anything!!!

So, I don’t know what I am gonna say moving forward.  No promises that I am going to be light-hearted and never pissed.  I may not be the motivational person that you are looking for.  I may babble about nothing and I may say day after day that I have jacked up a healthy plan that Tony suggests I follow.  I’ve just started talking to family and friends about my poor habits and emotions only in the last couple of months.   I know I need to give myself time but it’s not my nature.  So  I apologize if I am up and down.  I apologize if my diet failures (lack of a better word) seem unreasonable.  Not being able to understand me is frustrating.  I frustrate myself, I can’t imagine what I must be like to others.  Years of not being a healthy eater, 10 yrs of not really dealing with epilepsy – it’s all coming out now.  I am trying but I am no longer going to cover and write posts that are not really real.  Be it I feel like shit or sunshine, I will be honest.  I’m sure I’ve said that before – the honest part.  Haha!  But I will be, it’s too stressful trying to cover!!  Take care all!!


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