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A New Year

  • Posted on December 17, 2014 at 11:09 am

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2014 has flown by and I am closing out my blog for 2014.  I’ve plans for 2015!  With family and close friends and some clarity and perspective, I will be the person I want to be.  I’m so excited for Christmas and am looking forward to celebrating the New Year.  I am so thankful for all the blessing in my life.  Wishing the very best to all of you !!

 

 

rise above

  • Posted on December 3, 2014 at 12:38 pm

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Hi!!!  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!  My blog has been “under construction” for several weeks – I had several updates to do and I needed to do lots of cleaning.    I can’t seem to get myself together and get back on a good path so I guess I am in need of updates and cleaning as well.  I need to clean my head of all the doubt.  I haven’t felt like I have what it takes to be fit anymore, I can’t find the drive I once had.  My motivation is gone, the ability to control calories is a struggle and I don’t have my back-up diet plan.  Starvation doesn’t work anymore and that is what I have always counted on.  All my posts about what I have done, how I’ve tried, all the complaints blah blah – so annoying!!  Round and round with Tony, asking him to help me and then my continued complaints and half ass efforts.  I’ve had moments when I really did try and I’ve had moments of giving up.  I can’t accept that I will never be a perfect twig type figure so I doubt every move I make regarding fitness.

I’m that person that no body wants to help because I don’t want to help myself.  I have basically fallen on my face.  Each morning I wake-up and I think it is going to be the day I get myself back together but it never is.  I can’t even ask Tony for help anymore because I think he has said all he can for right now.  It’s on me and I know it.  A YEAR AND A HALF of the same complaints over and over.  A pathetic downward spiral of negativity!

How many times over the last year and a half of my on and off blogging have I repeated myself?  While cleaning up parts of my blog this past month, I read through my home page.  I started doing daily entries on my home page back when I decided to try and be fit healthy THE RIGHT WAY.  Just a quick sentence or two about how I felt or what my goal was for the day.  Ugh, I could barely stand to read parts.  The same bullshit over and over!  I’m not trusting my body, I’m not giving 100% effort and I still expect results ASAP.  I need to accept my body for what it is, come to terms with being an epileptic who will forever take seizure meds and deal with having hypothyroidism.  Is what it is and that is all.  It could be so much worse and I’m so fortunate to have the life I have and I am truly grateful.  How trivial of me to dissect the shape of my body and wish it were different!  Why do I allow myself to even spend time thinking about it?  Bad days are going to happen but my full focus has to go towards the positive.  Being consumed by trivial thoughts is a waste.  I took a good look at my husband and daughter last night when they didn’t realize it and remembered why I wanted to get fit in 2010.  I reminded myself of why I started this process in the first place.  Of course for me but for them as well.  Pick it up and rise above

counting down

  • Posted on October 22, 2014 at 2:10 pm

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A short time ago Bailey and I had this great idea!  We wanted to really challenge ourselves and try something new!!  I believe we found it.

We both had participated in the weight loss challenge at our gym which proved to be very successful.  We both felt like we really got something out of it.  Bailey won the prize and has continued to maintain her goal weight.  She found that good fit weight that works for her and she can maintain it.  Ultimately I think that’s what most of us want.  I didn’t reach my weight goal but like Bailey, I learned that it really isn’t the number it’s how you look and feel.  Fit and healthy.  I’m still working on it and if you’ve kept up with my blog you know there are many issues.

Since the weight loss challenge ended, we both have struggled to get our focus back.  We both like using our gym time to bust ass but we haven’t been quite as focused.  We’ve both had a lot going on and sometimes we just haven’t gotten to the gym.  We have gone back and forth about getting back into our serious mode.  My cousin once told me to set a goal every few months.  Not a weight goal but something to work towards.  That is what Bailey and I decided we needed to do.  We decided we wanted to step out of the box and do something different.  We are big fans of Chady Dunmore, she is the lady that does the Fitmiss workouts that I have blogged about – we often do them at the gym.  I started surfing through her instagram page and boom there it was, the challenge me and B needed to do.  Chady has a fitness partner, Ashley, and they do all kinds of cool fitness stuff together.  They do various fitness camps and it just so happens that Ashley is from this area.  B and I found out that they were coming here and we decided that was our goal.  A fitness camp with Chady & Ashley!!  So it is happening, we are doing one of their fitness camps.  This one just so happens to be for charity.  Extra awesome!  They support various causes and each fitness charity camp is usually for something different.

I will say, and I think Bailey will agree, we haven’t worked out as hard as we planned prior to attending this camp.  Various reasons have kept us away from the gym.  We have both accepted the fact that we are going to go and get our asses kicked!  I do believe this camp will help us get back to the place we want to be.  We will be motivated and we will use our gym time wisely like we once did!!  That’s always been our whole plan.  It’s totally fine that the ass kicking is coming first.

10/15 update

  • Posted on October 15, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Some times when I blog I can not come up with a title.  I’m certain there are times when the title makes no sense!  Today I’ve got nothing in terms of a title name so I’m going with “update”.  Nothing crazy new really.  I guess I’ve been taking thyroid medication for a week now.  Not any huge changes.  I have had a couple of days where I have had a bit more energy and I was productive.  So that is at least a step in the right direction.  I have been prescribed an additional medication, basically a water pill.  Though some weight gain over the last year was intentional, I’ve had drastic fluctuations.  Water retention is a problem for those with hypothyroidism.  Plus my anti-seizure meds can also cause water retention as well.  It’s been hard to process and accept the weight I intended to gain so I could be healthy.  Now I face water weight and extra pounds because my thyroid doesn’t function.  Most days Bailey and I bust our asses at the gym.  Seeing nothing change is frustrating.  I know I have to stick it out and I know in the end it will be fine.  I’m not going to try crazy short cuts because I know that type of weight loss will never be permanent.  Go back through my pic.’s & you can see it.  For all I know my years of starving and bingeing is what has brought me here.  Maybe I caused my thyroid to become under-active, whose to say.  Tony told me I F’d my system up.  I never thought he was joking but its scary when you find out there really is a problem.  This is minor, I don’t mean it all dramatic like.  I do think about it though – my obsession for a certain number and size may have caused this.

thyroid controls a lot

  • Posted on October 10, 2014 at 10:35 am

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To lighten my mood, the above picture is of me in my fav spot.  This is where I have been hanging out the last few months.  That will all change soon and I will back to my normal self.  Blasting Josh Groban music and projects around the house.  So apparently my website has had some issues the last few days.  I’ve been told that people weren’t able to access it from mobile devices.  It was something with the Host I use and there was nothing I could do about it – just had to wait.  Anyway I believe its working correctly.

I told you all that I have hypothyroidism, found that out on Tuesday.  I have been taking Levothyroxine for 4 days now and I can’t say that I notice a huge difference.  I don’t expect instant change but I am anxious.  I guess the fact that I am blogging is a good thing – I haven’t wanted to do that much lately!!!  I understand that the signs of hypothyroidism can start very gradually.  It can take months for people to realize that something may be wrong.  Reflecting back, I can totally see it.  Basically everything slowed for me.  It happened over many months and I just didn’t realize it.  I basically just stopped getting things done.  I attributed it to a funk, epilepsy meds and to adjustments in my weight.  I was trying to change my dieting habits from bad to good, it was very frustrating.  I just thought my frustration was causing me to feel down.  I had battled Tony’s dieting rules for over a year – anyone would be frustrated right?  As I said in my last post, when I weighed on 9/26, Tony suggested I get my thyroid checked.  When Bailey and I went to the gym and I told him the results he wasn’t really surprised.  He told me what my weight fluctuation had been over the last 2 or 3 months and Bailey and I about died!!  He said it was almost impossible.  Even if I had been lying to him it was almost impossible to pull off what I did.

As always I share details for a reason.  In this case, I encourage you to not brush off the changes in your mood or body.  Drastic changes.  We all have a bad day, have periods when we don’t feel like working as hard etc.  We just really need to pay attention.  I’ve had times in my life when I made the choice to sit around and eat and not exercise.  This isn’t one of those times.  I should have known.  I was beating myself up, calling myself lazy.  This time it was different and I should have seen it.  Please take care of yourself!!!!  Pay attention to the signs your body is giving you.

listen well

  • Posted on October 8, 2014 at 1:22 pm

Well September has come and gone, I can’t believe it!!  I’m trying to remember where I left off with my blog.  I generally try to have idea’s in my head, what I want to say in up coming posts.  The lasts two weekends have been busy so I have been distracted.  I told you that at my last weigh-in I was down 2 lbs. and was really excited – that was on September 26th.  Following my weigh- in, I was talking with Tony and told him that I have no motivation.  Bailey confirmed it, she knows I’ve changed and she told him so.  She knows I don’t really care and If she wasn’t driving me to the gym I wouldn’t go.  I try really hard to care about my health, I want to but lately I just can’t make it happen.  I don’t really sleep but I just don’t move about and get things done like I used to.  I used to come home from the gym, put music on and get shit done around the house.  I was very productive.  Lately I’ve just been sitting.  I mean, I’m all about crushing a nap now and then but this has been ridiculous!  My husband has been supportive and tries helping me work through.  I’ve said several times that I’m in a rut but boy it has been a long one.

Anyway, after weighing in on 9/26 Tony suggested I have my thyroid checked.  I went to the Dr. Monday and just found out yesterday that my thyroid is indeed off.  I have hypothyroidism.  I’m not thrilled but I have to say I am happy to know that shortly I will be feeling better.  I should have known that something was off, it’s not normal for me to just want to sit all day.  I just thought I would work through this sluggish mode I was in.  I wasn’t listening to what my body was saying.  I’m on another medication now but I’ll take it if it’s going to make me feel better.  Looking forward to feeling more positive and doing more moving then sitting.  I am going to need an hour to sit on Wednesday’s at 10pm and Saturday’s at 10pm, gotta watch American Horror Story and Pit Bulls and Parolees!!!

how’d I do?

  • Posted on September 26, 2014 at 12:54 pm

Hey there!!  End of the school week and work week for my family, yeah!!  Love when my family is home.  Friday is also my weigh-in day, my accountability right now.  So what happened?  I’m super excited to say that I lost 2 pounds.  It’s such a relief to know that I can eat and lose weight.  Yes I have come to that realization before but I am a complicated mess!  Today I have no real desire to amp it up and push for faster or bigger weight loss.  THAT is a feeling of peace.  Sounds silly maybe but I don’t really know how else to explain it.  Here and there I’ve felt that way but certainly not consistently.  It has taken so many attempts to nail this weight loss process, to do it healthy and to feel good about it.  There’s been a time or two when I’ve felt good and my mind hasn’t raced off and plotted how to make weight loss happen faster.  Not often enough but I’ll take it when it happens and keep pushing towards staying steady.  I do feel better about trying, it’s getting easier to let go of the expectations I have carried for years.  I’m actually even a little excited to see the weight gradually drop and not worry about seeing it happen in an un-realistic time frame.

 

back to acceptance

  • Posted on September 24, 2014 at 12:44 pm

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Hope everyone is well!!  The last few days I have been busy wrapping up projects around my house – that is why I haven’t blogged.  I haven’t tossed in the towel.  I admit that the last few days have been challenging, I am desperately trying not to let weight and food control my mood.  I am frustrated, I’m absolutely tired of thinking about this.  It doesn’t stop.  I want to make this health and fitness thing easy on myself but I haven’t quite figured out how to.  If I could stop over-thinking that would probably help.  I can’t stop worrying.  My size is ALWAYS on my mind.  Not a number but what I actually see.  It’s just constantly on my mind.  It doesn’t matter what I am doing I have thoughts in the back of my mind.  What I should eat, is it a bad choice, should I have eaten less, maybe more, should I have worked out harder, how bad I look in an outfit, how can I cover up, on and on!!  It makes me tired.  I want to throw my hands up and some days I guess I actually do.  I think to myself – was it that bad being over-weight?  It sure was easier to just be the size of an NFL linebacker.  I didn’t have to work hard at all to be heavy.  I don’t mean gorging on food and no exercise, I mean I just didn’t have thoughts running through my head all day long!!!  For me, it’s easy to be heavy and it’s easy to be too thin.  Healthy & fit, I don’t know what that is.

I still chug along.  If you struggle, well, you are not the only one.  I never wanted to think of myself as a person who struggles with weight.  A person with weight issues.  All the blogging I have done and all I have shared – still never wanted to admit that I struggle with weight.  Acceptance is very hard.  My inability to accept my body for what it is continues to guide me and my thought process.  Maybe I need to start with acceptance and go from there

weighing in

  • Posted on September 19, 2014 at 12:44 pm

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So I had my first weigh-in today.  I was pretty excited because I had a great week and was certain I would be down.  The result, I actually gained.  Not much but my weight is up.  I admit I was a little shocked and a little disappointed.  I’m committed though.  Well, I’ve said that at least a thousand times over the last year so I’m certain its hard for you all to believe.  Tony went over my food choices and tweaked a couple of things.  He also reminded me that my first weigh-in was Monday and I can’t expect dramatic weight loss in 4 days.  Certainly to most it seems obvious that 4 days isn’t a sufficient time frame for dramatic change BUT I don’t think that way.  So, I am not thinking!  I am making the changes to my food choices and moving on.

Blogging and sharing pictures keeps me focused, so yeah, that’s gonna keep happening.  Have a great weekend!!

re-boot

  • Posted on September 17, 2014 at 10:52 am

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Hey there!  I mentioned on my home page that B and I aren’t going to the gym today.  Working out at home.  My re-start is going good.  I’m moving more now then I have been over the last few weeks and am drinking lots of water.  I got a little lazy in August and it can be so hard to pick it back up.  Saying I got a little lazy in August is just a small part of what my problem has been over the last year.  I’m still working on writing that whole bit up in my weight loss section.  I was asked to write a little piece about epilepsy for another website and I’ll tell you all about that a little later too.

Being positive and having accountability – that’s what I have to be and what I need in-order to be successful.  Do what you have to do to reach your goals.  I certainly don’t know the in’s and out’s of health/fitness but I do know how hard it is to get to a healthy place and stay there.  I’m working hard to keep my mindset positive and stop being so hard on myself.  In a way I feel like I’m starting over with this blog too, it’s been so long since I put effort into it.  Have a good day!

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