Snow is on the way again!!  It’s always exciting when it comes to our area because we rarely get it.  So the next couple of days will probably be a little messy trying to get out and about.

I am on a roll so I am not going to let the weather keep me from working out.  I’ll do work at home.  I haven’t stepped on my scale and honestly I am really excited about that.  That’s how I feel today, tomorrow may be different.  I’m going to stick with it though.  The three of us have picked our days to weigh and we are planning to have a weight check once a week.  I will only weigh at the gym.  I step on the scale backwards and Tony checks it.  I don’t know what my weight is, so I don’t know how much I need to lose to get to where I want to be.  He’s told me a reasonable time frame to reach my goal so that’s my focus.  Thing is, it helps.  It may seem a little stupid, ridiculous and even juvenile BUT it’s taking my mind off the number and allowing me to focus on what I need to do. 

I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but I can certainly understand the tendency.  I have a control issue when it comes to diet.  I get a ridiculous sense of pleasure when I can control what I eat.  When I have been in a successful starving pattern, the feeling of hunger feels like a success.  I literally crave that sensation of hunger and the longer I can go the better I feel.  When I actually eat, I feel like a failure.  That’s when the binge comes in.  My range is one extreme to another.  It’s not that I don’t think I deserve to eat, I just want to be in control of it.  It’s difficult to explain and difficult to understand. 

Water, good choices and exercise – that’s my decision and what I am desperately working towards.  Each hour I think about what I need to do, I don’t worry about the next day until the next day.  I’ve had a pretty bat shit crazy way of looking at health so finding the right things that work for me is important.  I’m a confident person but I lack it in certain areas.  Acceptance, confidence, consistency  – so important and I’m trying to think about each of those words daily.  I am really, really trying to think more positive.  I also want to let go of food control, that sensation that I crave.   

I certainly don’t intend on having Tony keep track of my weight forever.  Right now I have my focus set on reaching my weight goal, doing it right and tackling my crazy ways.  I don’t want to focus on the number but I need confirmation that I am ok.  So, if once a week I gotta step on the scale backwards when I go to the gym – it’s what I’ll do!!

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