Snow is on the way again!! It’s always exciting when it comes to our area because we rarely get it. So the next couple of days will probably be a little messy trying to get out and about.
I am on a roll so I am not going to let the weather keep me from working out. I’ll do work at home. I haven’t stepped on my scale and honestly I am really excited about that. That’s how I feel today, tomorrow may be different. I’m going to stick with it though. The three of us have picked our days to weigh and we are planning to have a weight check once a week. I will only weigh at the gym. I step on the scale backwards and Tony checks it. I don’t know what my weight is, so I don’t know how much I need to lose to get to where I want to be. He’s told me a reasonable time frame to reach my goal so that’s my focus. Thing is, it helps. It may seem a little stupid, ridiculous and even juvenile BUT it’s taking my mind off the number and allowing me to focus on what I need to do.
I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but I can certainly understand the tendency. I have a control issue when it comes to diet. I get a ridiculous sense of pleasure when I can control what I eat. When I have been in a successful starving pattern, the feeling of hunger feels like a success. I literally crave that sensation of hunger and the longer I can go the better I feel. When I actually eat, I feel like a failure. That’s when the binge comes in. My range is one extreme to another. It’s not that I don’t think I deserve to eat, I just want to be in control of it. It’s difficult to explain and difficult to understand.
Water, good choices and exercise – that’s my decision and what I am desperately working towards. Each hour I think about what I need to do, I don’t worry about the next day until the next day. I’ve had a pretty bat shit crazy way of looking at health so finding the right things that work for me is important. I’m a confident person but I lack it in certain areas. Acceptance, confidence, consistency – so important and I’m trying to think about each of those words daily. I am really, really trying to think more positive. I also want to let go of food control, that sensation that I crave.
I certainly don’t intend on having Tony keep track of my weight forever. Right now I have my focus set on reaching my weight goal, doing it right and tackling my crazy ways. I don’t want to focus on the number but I need confirmation that I am ok. So, if once a week I gotta step on the scale backwards when I go to the gym – it’s what I’ll do!!