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Hello everyone!

I hope you all are well.  I have been trying to keep myself busy these last few days.  My silly obsessions and moods have been a little too much and I have let them take over.  Thankfully my husband is very patient.  He listens to what I say and try’s to help me work through the obstacles that I put in my own way.  He knows that if I sit and make a list of things to do it helps me accomplish tasks each day.  Otherwise when I get home from the gym its back to bed and I watch TV until my daughter comes home.  I’m disgusting right?   My husband has to listen to me talk about things that a husband doesn’t want to hear.  I tell him I am an awful wife, I worry I am not a good mom and I think I am a big fat pig.  I find it hard to find anything good about myself.  I am trying to stick to my list but Friday didn’t go well and neither did yesterday.

Do you think this is helping me stay healthy?  Stupid question right?  I used to workout a lot.  I went to the gym with my buddy or Leah or Ann and then I would come home and do a few things in my gym area.  I don’t have that motivation right now.  I can’t lose my drive, I know that.  I take so much damn medication and it makes me so f’n tired.  If I’m not two steps ahead of Keppra, Dilantin and Trileptal, I will fail.  Some days I’m so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open.  I might be a little dizzy after I take it or my face goes a little numb.  Side effects that are expected, you get what you get.  It’s a mild version of what I had initially when I started them but some effects linger.  I found a way to work through those things when I was on track to losing weight.  I didn’t let anything stop me.  Now I am letting those side effects control me and everything I do is half ass!!

I am at a cross-road.  My choices are give up or S.T.F.U.T.  I mentioned those letters before and if you didn’t figure it out, the letters mean Shut The Fuck Up and Train.  I’ve been so wishy-washy for months.  I feel totally out of control.  My idea of dieting has been challenged.  I only know how to eat way below an acceptable calorie range.  That’s how I got to 138.  I asked for help and now I can’t make it work.  Make no mistake, I know it’s not working because I am not letting it.  I am not trying.  Two scary things that Tony told me recently.  One, my body knows my pattern of dieting and if I try starving to lose weight it’s not going to work.  I’ve done it too many times so my system knows better and it will hold on to everything I eat.  This back and forth crap of starving and bingeing is causing weight gain.  Initial weight gain was expected when I first started eating healthy but it’s not stopping.  Yeah, cause I’m not trying.  I don’t know my weight but I can see it.  I’m not trying to be 138 again but my guess is that I have about 25 pds to lose.  I’m scared because I feel like I’ve lost my “go to” way to lose weight.  Actually I know I have.  Two, what’s up with me liking the feeling of hunger?  I most likely associate the feeling of hunger with weight success.  I’ve reached lower numbers by starving so when I don’t eat and I feel hungry I feel successful.  I can’t do it now.  I can cut way back but it’s not working!!

Weight is depressing me and so is my lack of motivation.  I’m traveling down that road, 258 here I come.  My husband is worried, I can see it (side note, I am going to the Dr.).  I don’t think I am truly depressed though.  I am depressed about my weight because I am so weight and size focused – I always have been.  I get depressed when I can’t control it.  I have this vision of what I should look like and I don’t look that way.  I haven’t been this bad in a while, my mood.  I know it’s all about how I look.  Not because I am vain.  It’s an expectation that I have and I’m all in or I don’t give a shit.  I can’t accept myself.

I’ve been battling since last summer, maintaining a good weight.  Right now I am not winning.  I have done it though, I have lost weight and I try to remind myself of that.  I know I didn’t do it in a healthy way BUT I was focused and dedicated.  I need that back!!  I’ve had to re-focus SO MANY times.  I am tired of trying again and again.  Every re-start is another 10 pds gained.  At the rate I am going I can safely say – 258 here I come!!  My mood is such that I want to say this is it.  I am on re-wind now and I am tired of blogging about it.  There is no progress.  I’m not going to keep blogging about the same struggles and failures.  I’m no longer being relatable, I’m just a cry-baby pain in the ass!  I’m not talking about a piece of candy or a rough day.  I mean failure which is where I am and have been.  I’m not encouraging to anyone right now.  I know I can’t turn every slip-up into a catastrophic event but I am!    I’ll never give up but if my blogs are only going to be about starting over then I am going to shut it down.  It’s depressing to write.  If I’m not going to use the gym in our home I’m going to turn it into a sitting room.  Why waste the space?  So, today I am picking an f’n road, I am not waiting until Monday.

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