I hope you all are well. I have been trying to keep myself busy these last few days. My silly obsessions and moods have been a little too much and I have let them take over. Thankfully my husband is very patient. He listens to what I say and try’s to help me work through the obstacles that I put in my own way. He knows that if I sit and make a list of things to do it helps me accomplish tasks each day. Otherwise when I get home from the gym its back to bed and I watch TV until my daughter comes home. I’m disgusting right? My husband has to listen to me talk about things that a husband doesn’t want to hear. I tell him I am an awful wife, I worry I am not a good mom and I think I am a big fat pig. I find it hard to find anything good about myself. I am trying to stick to my list but Friday didn’t go well and neither did yesterday.
Do you think this is helping me stay healthy? Stupid question right? I used to workout a lot. I went to the gym with my buddy or Leah or Ann and then I would come home and do a few things in my gym area. I don’t have that motivation right now. I can’t lose my drive, I know that. I take so much damn medication and it makes me so f’n tired. If I’m not two steps ahead of Keppra, Dilantin and Trileptal, I will fail. Some days I’m so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I might be a little dizzy after I take it or my face goes a little numb. Side effects that are expected, you get what you get. It’s a mild version of what I had initially when I started them but some effects linger. I found a way to work through those things when I was on track to losing weight. I didn’t let anything stop me. Now I am letting those side effects control me and everything I do is half ass!!
I am at a cross-road. My choices are give up or S.T.F.U.T. I mentioned those letters before and if you didn’t figure it out, the letters mean Shut The Fuck Up and Train. I’ve been so wishy-washy for months. I feel totally out of control. My idea of dieting has been challenged. I only know how to eat way below an acceptable calorie range. That’s how I got to 138. I asked for help and now I can’t make it work. Make no mistake, I know it’s not working because I am not letting it. I am not trying. Two scary things that Tony told me recently. One, my body knows my pattern of dieting and if I try starving to lose weight it’s not going to work. I’ve done it too many times so my system knows better and it will hold on to everything I eat. This back and forth crap of starving and bingeing is causing weight gain. Initial weight gain was expected when I first started eating healthy but it’s not stopping. Yeah, cause I’m not trying. I don’t know my weight but I can see it. I’m not trying to be 138 again but my guess is that I have about 25 pds to lose. I’m scared because I feel like I’ve lost my “go to” way to lose weight. Actually I know I have. Two, what’s up with me liking the feeling of hunger? I most likely associate the feeling of hunger with weight success. I’ve reached lower numbers by starving so when I don’t eat and I feel hungry I feel successful. I can’t do it now. I can cut way back but it’s not working!!
Weight is depressing me and so is my lack of motivation. I’m traveling down that road, 258 here I come. My husband is worried, I can see it (side note, I am going to the Dr.). I don’t think I am truly depressed though. I am depressed about my weight because I am so weight and size focused – I always have been. I get depressed when I can’t control it. I have this vision of what I should look like and I don’t look that way. I haven’t been this bad in a while, my mood. I know it’s all about how I look. Not because I am vain. It’s an expectation that I have and I’m all in or I don’t give a shit. I can’t accept myself.
I’ve been battling since last summer, maintaining a good weight. Right now I am not winning. I have done it though, I have lost weight and I try to remind myself of that. I know I didn’t do it in a healthy way BUT I was focused and dedicated. I need that back!! I’ve had to re-focus SO MANY times. I am tired of trying again and again. Every re-start is another 10 pds gained. At the rate I am going I can safely say – 258 here I come!! My mood is such that I want to say this is it. I am on re-wind now and I am tired of blogging about it. There is no progress. I’m not going to keep blogging about the same struggles and failures. I’m no longer being relatable, I’m just a cry-baby pain in the ass! I’m not talking about a piece of candy or a rough day. I mean failure which is where I am and have been. I’m not encouraging to anyone right now. I know I can’t turn every slip-up into a catastrophic event but I am! I’ll never give up but if my blogs are only going to be about starting over then I am going to shut it down. It’s depressing to write. If I’m not going to use the gym in our home I’m going to turn it into a sitting room. Why waste the space? So, today I am picking an f’n road, I am not waiting until Monday.