This is where I started & I’m not going back!!

Hi everyone!  Hope your day is off to a good start. 

Once again I’ve been to the gym with my buddy Bailey.  We worked really hard, crying fat.  We’ve both got goals we are trying to meet so we really pushed ourselves today.  We decided it was time to step it up and we did just that today.  

My focus has been rough the last couple of weeks.  I was getting there and then my patience vanished.  Food becomes the enemy.  Talked to Tony today at the gym and that usually brings a bit of clarity.  I can tell myself all kinds of lies but when he asks me a question I cough up the truth.  Too much coffee not enough water.  Go all day without eating and then have dinner.  Too much or not enough.  When am I going to change?  I want this so bad but my dumbass keeps getting in my own way.   

I haven’t been blogging much but I have been reading old posts and my weight loss & epilepsy stories.  When I started blogging I still had goals I was trying to meet.  I had a lot of weight history and epilepsy history that I was trying to write about so it really took me several months to just build my blog.  Once the history was out there I started letting shit out about current feeling and thoughts.  Blogging about current experiences & challenges was/is harder than I though it was going to be.   

I’ve talked about goals, portion control and maintenance.  For me, they don’t mean what they did months and months ago.  Goals, that’s tricky for me.  I have a couple of goals right now but I admit I am nervous.  When I started this process I set various goals along the way.  It worked for me too.  The thing is, I started reaching goals I never really thought I could reach.  Then my goals became un-realistic.  It wasn’t about health and fitness.  It was how skinny could I get.  So because I can go crazy, I’m not 100% confident that I can reach a realistic goal without going crazy.  Sound crazy?  Maybe I am sabotaging myself on purpose.  Portion control, that means nothing to me.  It’s not portion control for me, it’s just plain control.  As for maintenance, well frankly I thought that part was going to be EASY.  Wrong!  Losing 120 pds was far easier.  I just had it in my head that once I got to my goal weight I wouldn’t have to work hard.  I was so good at controlling my diet, I thought I could stay where I wanted to be.  Unrealistic weight with an unrealistic method!    

I focused strictly on a goal weight when I started losing weight.  That was a stupid approach for me.  There won’t ever be a happy goal weight for me, I know that now.  Sure having a weight range is good, it just can’t be the focus.  I am just now becoming ok with that.  I was 258 pds and I starved myself to 138. I was wearing a size 6.  I wasn’t done either!!  I would have continued to drop weight if Tony hadn’t asked me one day at the gym what weight I was at.  I vomited all my crazy ass shit on him and my guess is that he thought I was sick and crazy.  After a couple of months I came around and started listening.  Yes, almost 9 months later and I am still listening and still messing up.  I haven’t given up though.  I get pissed at myself and falter and go back to old ways.  The bigger thing is that I don’t stop trying.

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