Back to the gym after the break and today B and I were really feeling it.  Where do I stand right now with all of this health business?  Day by day pretty much.  I’ve made things far more complicated than need be.   Blogging turned into therapy for me.  Well, it’s forced me to address things.  So many things I never wanted to admit but I have now.  It’s a love hate, blogging and sharing.  Sometimes I’m really glad I do it and other times it’s a struggle to just have something to say.  Anyway, I’m working really hard at not worrying about what I THINK I should look like.  Accept myself and be as healthy as I can be.  My ups and downs over the past 9 months, gosh I think where I could be if I had just buckled down and listened.  Trying to get healthy without starving – far more difficult than I ever thought it could be.  I have had some really good weeks and some plain shit ones.  I wake up some days and think – if I cut way back on food for a few days I’ll drop weight and then I’ll start listening to Tony.  I’ve wanted him to give me a quick fix but there isn’t one and I know it now.  Patience and consistency is what he says.  Not exactly what I want to hear, me and my unreasonable expectation.  I know it’s the only way though.  I’ve been a hot mess for months now BUT I’ve never given up once people!!    I continue to try!  Many bumps along the way but it’s paying off.  I am learning, learning to accept things that I never thought I would.  I spent the break away from the gym and spent time with my family.  Cleared my head a bit and am pushing harder.  I KNOW I can’t starve anymore, I KNOW it’s not going to work.  I’ve put my workout in today and eaten as told – no compromising.  To my friends who ask, – this shit never ends!   What I battle you may not, we just have different struggles.  Tackle yours though.  Don’t be afraid of the hurdles you gotta jump!!

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