We are back from vacation and I am working to get back on track.  I’ve lost a lot of dedication.  My dedication has been in the toilet for a while now, its nothing recent.  I keep meaning to be more faithful to my blog project but I am not.  My family comes first and with my daughter out of school she and I are spending a lot of time together.  I still have time to take care of myself though, and when I do that I blog.  There are times when I do get busy and don’t have time but lately I avoid my blog because I am disappointed with myself.  Months go by and then I occasionally post.  I say that I am back on it and that things are going well.  It’s all crap.  I’ve taken everything down on my site because I am just pissed at myself.  I hate what I have done.  I’ve blogged before about resentment and I still have so much of it.  I don’t think I can forgive myself for being so over weight.  I spent 10 years being fat and I just can’t let it go.  It’s not possible to express my anger and how every time I post I want to shut this down and say fuck it.  I can’t even finish what I really wanted to say because I am just so damn mad.  It’s the same bullshit over and over.  I can’t see that I have already had success because I want more.  I can’t get rid of this version of myself that I have in my head so nothing is good enough.  I will forever see my flaws.  If I can’t type about success I don’t want to face my blog at all.  I’m not honest about the intensity of the struggle.  Why can’t I just be honest?

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