Hi!!!  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!  My blog has been “under construction” for several weeks – I had several updates to do and I needed to do lots of cleaning.    I can’t seem to get myself together and get back on a good path so I guess I am in need of updates and cleaning as well.  I need to clean my head of all the doubt.  I haven’t felt like I have what it takes to be fit anymore, I can’t find the drive I once had.  My motivation is gone, the ability to control calories is a struggle and I don’t have my back-up diet plan.  Starvation doesn’t work anymore and that is what I have always counted on.  All my posts about what I have done, how I’ve tried, all the complaints blah blah – so annoying!!  Round and round with Tony, asking him to help me and then my continued complaints and half ass efforts.  I’ve had moments when I really did try and I’ve had moments of giving up.  I can’t accept that I will never be a perfect twig type figure so I doubt every move I make regarding fitness.

I’m that person that no body wants to help because I don’t want to help myself.  I have basically fallen on my face.  Each morning I wake-up and I think it is going to be the day I get myself back together but it never is.  I can’t even ask Tony for help anymore because I think he has said all he can for right now.  It’s on me and I know it.  A YEAR AND A HALF of the same complaints over and over.  A pathetic downward spiral of negativity!

How many times over the last year and a half of my on and off blogging have I repeated myself?  While cleaning up parts of my blog this past month, I read through my home page.  I started doing daily entries on my home page back when I decided to try and be fit healthy THE RIGHT WAY.  Just a quick sentence or two about how I felt or what my goal was for the day.  Ugh, I could barely stand to read parts.  The same bullshit over and over!  I’m not trusting my body, I’m not giving 100% effort and I still expect results ASAP.  I need to accept my body for what it is, come to terms with being an epileptic who will forever take seizure meds and deal with having hypothyroidism.  Is what it is and that is all.  It could be so much worse and I’m so fortunate to have the life I have and I am truly grateful.  How trivial of me to dissect the shape of my body and wish it were different!  Why do I allow myself to even spend time thinking about it?  Bad days are going to happen but my full focus has to go towards the positive.  Being consumed by trivial thoughts is a waste.  I took a good look at my husband and daughter last night when they didn’t realize it and remembered why I wanted to get fit in 2010.  I reminded myself of why I started this process in the first place.  Of course for me but for them as well.  Pick it up and rise above

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