I’m on day three of this challenge and it’s proving to be a true CHALLENGE!! I’m hanging in there but I want this so badly, I want to do it right so it sticks this time. So what’s the problem? Well, I’m on the verge of making classic mistakes!! I’m a little tempted to revert to old eating ways but I’m working through that. My bigger problem is that I want to over analyze everything I am doing. That always leads to failure. I put so much pressure on myself. To be honest, there are some things that I can’t afford to slip up on. I know I have to be spot on when it comes to starving & bingeing, I just can’t do it. Getting out of my own head is a problem. I’m stressing about how much I’m taking in – protein, carbs & fats. Yesterday I know I had too many carbs. My calories were good but my carbs were too high. The choice is mine!!! Make better choices dummy!!!! #riseabove
Hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving!! I approached Thanksgiving day with every intention of eating as much stuffing as humanly possible. I was indeed successful!! I ate so much that I was full the next morning when I woke up. Pretty good sign that I ate too much the day before. With my need for Thanksgiving dressing taken care of, I am ready to move forward and tackle my next goal. My next goal does not involve eating as many Christmas cookies as I can shove in my dumb mouth!! I’m going with something a little better. A healthy challenge starting today with Bailey. One could argue that its dumb for us to do this now around the holidays!!! It will make it extra challenging, nonetheless it is on. Deadline is February 1st.
Why should it be such a challenge for me, getting my eating under control? Eating is an annoying thing. It is for me anyway. I hate what it means to me, all or nothing. Just like with the stuffing, I couldn’t get enough. Why? Just gross. I bring it up but now I don’t really feel like saying anymore. It’s just such an annoyance to me.
I’m also being weaned off Dilantin right now, that doesn’t help my mood! Dilantin is one of my seizure meds. I’ve never done well on it so I am happy my Dr. is taking me off of it. My latest MRI revealed some spotting on my brain. Long Term use of Dilantin can cause cerebellar atrophy so the decision was made to call it quits. Epilepsy was a driving force behind me working so hard to lose weight last time.
It really is time for me to get serious. I have health issues and I really need to continue tackling my eating issue. The holidays are a not the ideal time but I can’t keep putting it off. #riseabove
Recently I put myself to a challenge at the gym, a suggestion from a fellow gym rat. I gave myself two weeks to meet my goal. 8 miles on the bike in 20 minutes. I didn’t do it. I got 7.11 miles in 20 and it was hard as crap! It forced me to work though. It reminded me that I can make progress. Progress doesn’t have to be losing 5 pounds in a week but that is usually the way I measure success. So I am addressing my issues, I’ve got to do this the right way. I have to stop pretending that I am success story and that I have control because I don’t.
My blog is a way for me to talk things out in my head. I do it for me and I always hope that in some way someone else will relate. Maybe one person will realize they aren’t alone. I don’t have all the answers and I know I never will. I’m not honest with myself which means I’m not honest when I type. I lie to myself about how I am/will diet the right way. I say I am done screwing up but the reality is that I am not! I may never be. My eating issues have to be addressed or I am never going to be successful. This isn’t just weight issues because I over eat or starve. It runs far deeper than deciding to eat a Big Mac instead of salad. What I see in the mirror is what fuels me. If I like what I see or don’t, that’s what drives me to certain actions. When I see fat looking back at me it’s a Big Mac day. If I see a glimmer of success then I pick a salad.
I mentioned in my “weight loss story” that I never worried about my weight or size until I quit competitive gymnastics. That was the end of my Sophomore year of high school. That is when I believe I started having issues. When I was in high school there were times when I did purge. It wasn’t all the time but I did do it. When I was in college there were times when I over-ate. When I say that I really just mean that I ate normal. I wasn’t hyper-aware of every piece of food I ate. It was brief but it was great not being so concerned about my size. It didn’t last long. Then I moved on to starving myself. It was nothing for me to eat less than 500 calories in a day. Plus I worked out excessively. I always thought I was fat. I always saw something wrong with my body. I never accepted or appreciated my body. I always covered myself in larger clothes. Now I am a binge eater. No purging. I have been a binge eater on and off for many years now. If I had to guess I would say there have been days when I’ve consumed 3,000 calories easily! Maybe more. Then I may drop down to 800 calories the next day. While all that eating business is going on, I also see a huge person looking back at me in the mirror. I don’t see the person my family and friends see, I see a beastly size person. Maybe that is what they see too, I don’t know anymore. I reflect back to high school and college and I look at pictures and I can see that I was once a fit person. I am not sure why I thought I was so fat back then.
Why am I saying all of this? Well, if I don’t admit it to myself I am never going to get better. I can’t get better when I am lying to myself and lying to others. Hiding behind lies allows me to continue having eating issue. I’ve talked with my Dr. and I am getting help. I have an eating disorder and I can finally admit it. I’m not sad, I’m just ready to move forward. #riseabove
Every morning during the school week, I get up and follow the same routine. I make coffee right away so I can sit, drink coffee and wake up. Many days I find my thoughts trailing off in hundred’s of different directions. I think about my health often, telling myself that I can make the progress that I want to make. I was very recently thinking about my weight loss from a year or so ago. I was so focused at that time. I was focused on me and my family. What was best for us. I knew I needed to get healthy for me but for my family too. Thinking of my husband and our child is what gave me that final push. At that time, I didn’t allow myself to be distracted by things that did not concern me. I focused on my life and those close to me. With the exception of my family and a few very close friends, I probably seemed selfish. I did not care though. The simplest of things like social media, for example, can pull our attention in a negative direction – AND that is just one example!! I was able to see that once and I handled it. Time for me to do it again. #riseabove
How’s it going everyone? Pretty good here. Nothing crazy or new going on. Doing my best to get back in a good groove but I’m not successful everyday. That actually sounds kind of funny though doesn’t it? I’m doing my best but I’m not successful? Let’s be honest, if I was doing my best I would actually be successful right? I’m not down about it, I’m not sad. I’m just trying to work it out. I guess a lot of us are though.
I appreciate all the support I received after my last blog. So many nice comments and e-mails. I just blog my thoughts. I know that when you sometimes read you probably think I’m upset and down. I am not. I get super frustrated but I’m not unhappy. It’s frustration, that’s the best word to describe how I feel when it comes to my health. It doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t have the natural desire to eat right. I wanna eat sweets and drink soda. So I have to work. It’s ok though, I don’t mind. A lot of us are frustrated and that is why I blog. Many of us have to make a conscious effort to watch what we eat. To not over-eat. My blog is meant to help your realize you are not alone. So thank you again for the nice words and support. I speak from a sarcastic tone most of the time. Sometimes I am upset when I blog but its out of frustration not sadness. #riseabove
Time has passed so quickly! It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that I published a blog. I checked this morning and it has been a month and a half! June has flown by. Between our daughter’s dance season wrapping (and new season starting again) and school ending, I’ve blinked my eyes and it’s mid July!! I hope everyone is having a great summer!!
I’m still wearing my fitbit and still loving it. It’s purple, for epilepsy awareness!! My weight has not changed as of late. I am honestly ok with that right now. Well, let me explain that. I was on vacation for two weeks, back in the gym a couple of days and now Bailey is on vacation. So the gym has been hit or miss. SO, I am ok that I have maintained. My activity hasn’t stopped, I am just finding other ways to be active. Like while on vacation, our daughter’s pool time activities were equivalent to high impact aerobics!! I did go to the gym with my friend Leah yesterday and my arms are killing me today!
I am home now for the rest of the summer and I must return to a more focused mindset. I mean it’s not that I let all rational thoughts of health go out the window when vacationing!! But YES, I enjoyed a very delicious cheeseburger while at the beach. I also had a couple of cold beers too!! In the past I put so much pressure on myself, believing from that start that I would fail over the summer and I ultimately did!! If I gained one pound I considered that failure!! It was brutal. I work really hard now to try and look at the bigger picture.
I currently battle the thoughts of lower calories to try and get the quick fix. The fast weight loss that I want so badly. The kind I know won’t stick. Yet I’ve also had a few binge moments too. Which is the extreme opposite of starving!!!! How can I be both? I’m trying to be honest with myself about those issues. It doesn’t bother me to say it, its more like I can’t really believe it. I just think – who does that? What kind of person is both? How do I get so much satisfaction from starving and bingeing? Tony said to me once, I equate starving to success. Any time I’ve lost weight I’ve done so by extreme calorie cuts. So for me that feeling of huger means I am losing weight and I feel like I am being successful. I completely agree, makes total sense to me! On the binge side, we never talked about it because I only once kinda admitted that maybe I did binge here and there. With bingeing, it tastes great for 0.25 seconds and then I feel like a cow failure. So you’d think I’d stick with starving because at least I felt successful right? Thing is, you can only do it for so long. At my age I am still picking up the pieces of poor diet habits.
I’m trying to remember to take a step back and think. Have a great summer everyone. #riseabove
It’s been 4 weeks since my last blog. I was pretty frustrated when I last blogged – I had been told what my weight was. It took me several days to pull myself together and decide that I wasn’t going to give up. I whined in my last blog that Bailey would eventually get tired of listening to me bitch, I knew she really wouldn’t. Over the last several weeks she has pushed me harder while at the gym. She even got me to start running again. So I have been committed the last three weeks and I have done well. Every minute of every day hasn’t been easy but I have made it work.
So I have to tell you about something really cool. For Mother’s Day my husband got me a Fitbit. I love it!! He was able to get it in a plum/purple color which is awesome – Epilepsy Awareness! It has been amazing for me. This is going to sound crazy but it has given me a clear picture of the whole calorie thing. I never understood that we burn calories while functioning daily. Even while we sleep. I know that sounds ridiculous but I never really had a rational idea of dieting either. I have lived my life with either an extreme calorie limit or a reckless calorie over consumption. Now I have it right there, I can see what I am burning and I understand.
I set little goals for myself with the Fitbit and I like seeing the results. I was so excited when I pushed through my run at the gym. Bailey and I are branching out with our workouts at the gym and trying new things. I don’t feel like I am putting crazy pressure on myself to reach certain/crazy goals. It’s kinda fun. I was so consumed with weight loss goal last time that I can’t really even remember the process. I have good memories of course but at some point along the way I let joy be replaced by obsession. Good luck everyone! #riseabove
Hey everyone! Finally figuring out how to get this site working again, some update that was done to my blog totally screwed it up. Though I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t really wanted to blog anyway.
My gym buddy took this picture last week and photos do not lie. I was rather shocked to see myself. Additionally, today I asked Tony to tell me my weight. My heart sank. So where do I go from here? I guess this summer will mark three years that Tony has listened to me give the same sob story. The only thing he can say is that its my choice. Be ok with where I am now and stop worrying about my size OR chose to be great. Not cocky but great.
Bailey and I got in the car today and we talked about why it’s so hard to feel great. Why do we often feel bad for feeling good or great? I got home and was thinking back to a time when I was once a good gymnast. I knew I was good. Honestly, I had times during my gymnastics career when I was actually great. I could never say that though. I had two Universities following me when I was in 9th & 10th grade. They would call my coach and check up on me, just wanting to know how my season was going. I never talked about it though. Does feeling good about that make be a bragging, boastful person? I worked hard so why shouldn’t I feel good about that? It seems like such a fine line between feeling great, being confident or being a jerk.
My lack of effort is open and out there! I’m not kidding anyone. Actually that’s not true, I have been kidding myself. I’ve put blinders on and convinced myself that my husband hasn’t noticed a difference in me. I’ve made myself believe that Bailey will just keep feeling bad for me because she thinks I am trying and Tony will keep listening and eventually say something that will make it all click.
What is the reality? Well I am not fooling anyone for one thing!!!! I know my husband sees but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because he loves me. He’ll never give up on me but I know its exhausting. I know eventually Bailey will find someone else to go to the gym with because she will lose the strength to always need to boost me up. As for Tony, well he has done what he would do for anyone who wants help. There is literally nothing more he can say if I am not willing to do the work.
So I am going to be great. I should be able to feel great and not feel bad about it. If that sounds shitty I don’t care. 210 pounds is my weight reality and I refuse to accept it. I know I can do it and I have support. Admitting I am 210 is hard but refreshing at the same time. Feels pretty great to not lie to myself!! #riseabove
Back from spring break and getting into a regular grove. The weight loss challenge at the gym ends on the 20th. The final weigh in!! I don’t expect to win but hopefully I will FEEL like I have gained more control. I have to say that the last week and a half has been difficult. Difficult in my head really. Too much over thinking, kinda beating myself up for being where I am health wise. I am hanging on but I just get so mad!! Just this diet chaos hell that I turn it all into. Wanting instant results never goes away.
I am going to share a picture that I found. It’s pretty bad. One of my highest weights. Have a little looksie!!!
Now maybe you understand? This is what I fear, the direction I may be headed. Hoping this little reminder will help me turn my shit around and get serious. Stop over thinking and just do what is right! Do what I have been told will work. Have a good one! #riseabove
How was your weekend? Ready to take on another week? I didn’t feel great over the weekend – like many people, I have had a cold. A minor thing of course but in terms of diet and exercise it did mess me up a bit. Today was weigh-in and I was a little concerned. Thankfully my weight didn’t change. A weight loss was obviously my goal but given the fact that I barely moved, well, I’ll take it. No weight gain!
I’m not freaked out. I’m not upset. I don’t feel the need to over-think everything and make a new plan. That would of course be my usual next step. I’m good though. Everyday it gets easier. I can take this whole diet/weight thing and keep moving forward.
After Bailey and I weighed in we talked with Tony for a second. He usually gives us suggestions, words of encouragement etc. Today we briefly talked about a show that was on last night. It was about a lady who was anorexic. I had watched part of the story and he had read about it. It was very sad, I was so sad for this lady. When I was really pushing to drop weight and trying to reach a certain number, I wasn’t close to the weight this lady was. I certainly could relate to the intense desire to try and get there. Seeing things about your body that you think are so wrong and having others not understand what you’re talking about. I turned the show off, I don’t know what happened to her. I said to Tony and Bailey that I wasn’t that bad and he said no but when was it going to be enough? 138 would need to be 134 then 128 and on. He was right. So, maybe no weight loss last week but I am absolutely coping with it and ready to give this week my best! Have a great day!! #riseabove