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(Blonde again)

 

Good Morning!  It’s a great day here in VA.  No gym today for my Gym Buddy and me.  She is so busy today that there is literally no time for us to get to the gym before my daughter gets home from school.  We both will do something at home.

So yesterday I did a quick blog so I could get the ball rolling on this again.  I don’t really know how to describe the hot mess I have been lately.  I’m not in a bad place, it’s more like I have been and am still, quite frankly, trying to heal myself from years of weight issues.  A lot of reflecting and I have so many things I eventually want to touch on.  So today I am just going to talk about where I am currently with this   constant struggle of weight.

I haven’t quite tackled how I evaluate myself.  I still struggle trying to find comfort and acceptance when it comes to my body.  It’s not a concern as to what others think, it’s what I think.  If I weigh 120 I may as well weigh 180 because I will see a size that isn’t there.  I wear big baggy clothes all the time because I don’t want to see what I don’t like.  I am not trying to fool anyone and I don’t think I am.   I just don’t want to see my body.

On the positive side, I have made great strides in terms of what the scale says and how much I think I should weigh.  I am not really that concerned about what the actual number is.  I do own a scale but I haven’t stepped on it for a while.  I don’t feel the obsession or need to focus on a number.  I do still prefer to let Tony keep track of my weight.  I know at some point I will have to get away from that as well but right now I’m just looking for steps in the right direction.  I’ve probably said that I don’t care about the number anymore in previous posts but it is true now.  I literally have a scale in my house and haven’t stepped on it since I got it.  The number doesn’t matter.  I am trying to not turn a positive into a negative – crushing that habit.

Those of you who live near by and have been my steady supporters, you know I have had a weight gain.  To my supporters who live farther away, yes, I have gained weight.  The last year and a half/two years has been hard.  It’s kind of weird but I feel like this weight gain has helped me come to some positive realizations.  I did all the things Tony told me NOT to do and what he said would happen did happen.  It’s like I needed that though.  I had lost 128 pds with this insane diet method of mine and he proved to me that it wouldn’t continue to work.  If you think that sounds crazy I totally understand!!

Have a great day! #riseabove

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