Hey everyone! Finally figuring out how to get this site working again, some update that was done to my blog totally screwed it up. Though I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t really wanted to blog anyway.
My gym buddy took this picture last week and photos do not lie. I was rather shocked to see myself. Additionally, today I asked Tony to tell me my weight. My heart sank. So where do I go from here? I guess this summer will mark three years that Tony has listened to me give the same sob story. The only thing he can say is that its my choice. Be ok with where I am now and stop worrying about my size OR chose to be great. Not cocky but great.
Bailey and I got in the car today and we talked about why it’s so hard to feel great. Why do we often feel bad for feeling good or great? I got home and was thinking back to a time when I was once a good gymnast. I knew I was good. Honestly, I had times during my gymnastics career when I was actually great. I could never say that though. I had two Universities following me when I was in 9th & 10th grade. They would call my coach and check up on me, just wanting to know how my season was going. I never talked about it though. Does feeling good about that make be a bragging, boastful person? I worked hard so why shouldn’t I feel good about that? It seems like such a fine line between feeling great, being confident or being a jerk.
My lack of effort is open and out there! I’m not kidding anyone. Actually that’s not true, I have been kidding myself. I’ve put blinders on and convinced myself that my husband hasn’t noticed a difference in me. I’ve made myself believe that Bailey will just keep feeling bad for me because she thinks I am trying and Tony will keep listening and eventually say something that will make it all click.
What is the reality? Well I am not fooling anyone for one thing!!!! I know my husband sees but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings because he loves me. He’ll never give up on me but I know its exhausting. I know eventually Bailey will find someone else to go to the gym with because she will lose the strength to always need to boost me up. As for Tony, well he has done what he would do for anyone who wants help. There is literally nothing more he can say if I am not willing to do the work.
So I am going to be great. I should be able to feel great and not feel bad about it. If that sounds shitty I don’t care. 210 pounds is my weight reality and I refuse to accept it. I know I can do it and I have support. Admitting I am 210 is hard but refreshing at the same time. Feels pretty great to not lie to myself!! #riseabove