Recently I put myself to a challenge at the gym, a suggestion from a fellow gym rat. I gave myself two weeks to meet my goal. 8 miles on the bike in 20 minutes. I didn’t do it. I got 7.11 miles in 20 and it was hard as crap! It forced me to work though. It reminded me that I can make progress. Progress doesn’t have to be losing 5 pounds in a week but that is usually the way I measure success. So I am addressing my issues, I’ve got to do this the right way. I have to stop pretending that I am success story and that I have control because I don’t.
My blog is a way for me to talk things out in my head. I do it for me and I always hope that in some way someone else will relate. Maybe one person will realize they aren’t alone. I don’t have all the answers and I know I never will. I’m not honest with myself which means I’m not honest when I type. I lie to myself about how I am/will diet the right way. I say I am done screwing up but the reality is that I am not! I may never be. My eating issues have to be addressed or I am never going to be successful. This isn’t just weight issues because I over eat or starve. It runs far deeper than deciding to eat a Big Mac instead of salad. What I see in the mirror is what fuels me. If I like what I see or don’t, that’s what drives me to certain actions. When I see fat looking back at me it’s a Big Mac day. If I see a glimmer of success then I pick a salad.
I mentioned in my “weight loss story” that I never worried about my weight or size until I quit competitive gymnastics. That was the end of my Sophomore year of high school. That is when I believe I started having issues. When I was in high school there were times when I did purge. It wasn’t all the time but I did do it. When I was in college there were times when I over-ate. When I say that I really just mean that I ate normal. I wasn’t hyper-aware of every piece of food I ate. It was brief but it was great not being so concerned about my size. It didn’t last long. Then I moved on to starving myself. It was nothing for me to eat less than 500 calories in a day. Plus I worked out excessively. I always thought I was fat. I always saw something wrong with my body. I never accepted or appreciated my body. I always covered myself in larger clothes. Now I am a binge eater. No purging. I have been a binge eater on and off for many years now. If I had to guess I would say there have been days when I’ve consumed 3,000 calories easily! Maybe more. Then I may drop down to 800 calories the next day. While all that eating business is going on, I also see a huge person looking back at me in the mirror. I don’t see the person my family and friends see, I see a beastly size person. Maybe that is what they see too, I don’t know anymore. I reflect back to high school and college and I look at pictures and I can see that I was once a fit person. I am not sure why I thought I was so fat back then.
Why am I saying all of this? Well, if I don’t admit it to myself I am never going to get better. I can’t get better when I am lying to myself and lying to others. Hiding behind lies allows me to continue having eating issue. I’ve talked with my Dr. and I am getting help. I have an eating disorder and I can finally admit it. I’m not sad, I’m just ready to move forward. #riseabove