Recently I put myself to a challenge at the gym, a suggestion from a fellow gym rat.  I gave myself two weeks to meet my goal.  8 miles on the bike in 20 minutes.  I didn’t do it.  I got 7.11 miles in 20 and it was hard as crap!  It forced me to work though.  It reminded me that I can make progress.  Progress doesn’t have to be losing 5 pounds in a week but that is usually the way I measure success.  So I am addressing my issues,  I’ve got to do this the right way.  I have to stop pretending that I am success story and that I have control because I don’t.

My blog is a way for me to talk things out in my head.  I do it for me and I always hope that in some way someone else will relate.  Maybe one person will realize they aren’t alone.  I don’t have all the answers and I know I never will.  I’m not honest with myself which means I’m not honest when I type.  I lie to myself about how I am/will diet the right way.  I say I am done screwing up but the reality is that I am not!  I may never be.  My eating issues have to be addressed or I am never going to be successful.  This isn’t just weight issues because I over eat or starve.  It runs far deeper than deciding to eat a Big Mac instead of salad.  What I see in the mirror is what fuels me.  If I like what I see or don’t, that’s what drives me to certain actions.  When I see fat looking back at me it’s a Big Mac day.  If I see a glimmer of success then I pick a salad.

I mentioned in my “weight loss story” that I never worried about my weight or size until I quit competitive gymnastics.  That was the end of my Sophomore year of high school.  That is when I believe I started having issues.  When I was in high school there were times when I did purge.  It wasn’t all the time but I did do it.  When I was in college there were times when I over-ate.  When I say that I really just mean that I ate normal.  I wasn’t hyper-aware of every piece of food I ate.  It was brief but it was great not being so concerned about my size.  It didn’t last long.  Then I moved on to starving myself.  It was nothing for me to eat less than 500 calories in a day.  Plus I worked out excessively.  I always thought I was fat.  I always saw something wrong with my body.  I never accepted or appreciated my body.  I always covered myself in larger clothes.  Now I am a binge eater.  No purging.  I have been a binge eater on and off for many years now.  If I had to guess I would say there have been days when I’ve consumed 3,000 calories easily!  Maybe more.  Then I may drop down to 800 calories the next day.  While all that eating business is going on,  I also see a huge person looking back at me in the mirror.  I don’t see the person my family and friends see, I see a beastly size person.   Maybe that is what they see too, I don’t know anymore.  I reflect back to high school and college and I look at pictures and I can see that I was once a fit person.   I am not sure why I thought I was so fat back then.

Why am I saying all of this?  Well, if I don’t admit it to myself I am never going to get better.  I can’t get better when I am lying to myself and lying to others.  Hiding behind lies allows me to continue having eating issue.  I’ve talked with my Dr. and I am getting help.  I have an eating disorder and I can finally admit it.  I’m not sad, I’m just ready to move forward.  #riseabove

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