September 29, 2015
With some hesitation I am publishing my weight loss story again. It’s been over two years since I last typed anything in this section. When I started my blog, I used this section to talk about my past. I shared different stories about weight loss and weight gain, how the weight battle affected me over the course of my life. In pretty great detail at times. When I last typed in this section, I thought I had finally gained control. I thought I had tackled my weight battles for good and I would maintain 138/140 for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a certain weight and size so bad that I wasn’t being realistic. I wasn’t honest about what I was eating. I basically wasn’t eating and I foolishly thought I could keep it up. I was in denial but I was thin! So I decided I didn’t want to talk about my past struggles. I wasn’t going to discuss my “story” anymore. I was only going to talk about how I was able to lose the weight and I wanted to encourage others! I quickly learned that I hadn’t gotten a handle on my weight battle at all! I couldn’t maintain but I couldn’t continue to deprive myself of food. When I asked for help I knew I would gain weight and I told myself I was ok with it. I wasn’t though and because I fought so hard against it, I ended up gaining more weight then I should have. I really did want to learn how to lose weight correctly but I couldn’t commit. I spent so much time trying but then giving up, I ultimately made things worse. It made it hard for me to blog because I didn’t have success to talk about. My blog became a burden.
So, the last couple of years have been hard. I’ve gained weight and It’s very upsetting. I can look back and see what I should have done differently. I’ve been given the best advice a person could ask for and I know what I need to do to be successful. At the end of the day it comes down to me. I have to let go of some very deep seeded issues I have about my size. Accepting myself is a huge issue. I am getting there but I do still want to see success immediately, a huge source of frustration.
July 6, 2013
I often hate returning to this section because I struggle trying to explain things. It’s really hard to tell the truth in all of this when I have hidden so much along my journey. I really was ok as I started dropping weight. I took my frustrations out on T but that was really more me coming to terms with the anger I had. Anger for letting myself gain weight and for letting my confidence slide. Those sorts of things. As I built my confidence up and my weight was reaching a healthy level, a good competitive side came out. I felt good, healthy and strong. Competing in the Military Challenge in August of 2012 was great. A bunch of us from our Cul-de-sak did it, I’ve mentioned the “sak pak”. I was so charged and energized at what I had accomplished, I really couldn’t stop. Unfortunately, I channeled all that positive energy in a different direction. Wasn’t the first time.
I may be repeating myself here, if I am stick with me for a moment. When I was at Marshall University I became obsessed with working out. I would go to the gym with a friend of mine and we would workout every day. Sometimes we would go twice a day. The difference between my friend and I at that time – I was starving myself and she wasn’t. I was probably 141 or so when we started working out and at one point I dropped to 128. Extremely hard for me to maintain but I did. I was totally grouchy all the time and working out constantly. I was awful to be around at times, I know I had to be. I alienated friends who cared about me. I was very thin, starving and I still wasn’t happy. My mind plays such games. At some point I rebounded, I really don’t know how. I stopped the obsessive workouts and started eating better. I began to feel better but I still wanted to be able to maintain a healthy weight and appearance. Shortly after I got control, I went to college in New York. That is where I met my husband. He made me feel comfortable about myself, I was able to start eating on a regular basis. I still struggled with the clothing side, everything I wore was baggy. I was a healthy weight I guess but to me I needed to drop a few pounds. I worked out some but my class schedule kept me busy. My solution was to cover myself up. Baggy clothes.
Here I am again facing mind games that I never thought I’d see again. Annoying my friends and family. I can’t get my head around words of encouragement or acknowledging that what is being said to me is the truth. I don’t want to be told that I am not fat, I think I am. I lost that 12 pounds in the hospital last August and I liked it. I liked being at 138. Ever since August of 2012 the battle of an acceptable weight has continued. I am probably on the higher side of the range that I’ve been keeping and that has added to my frustrations. I can’t maintain what I want so when I do gain I get pissed. The advice I get from Tony at the gym makes complete sense but I am scared to death to do what he says. My head is saying I know, I know but it won’t sink in. I’ve lied to T over the last 10 months about food and weight, how am I suppose to be honest with either of them?
T asked me one day not too long ago if I wanted people to see me as strong and fit or weak and unhealthy. It was hard to answer. I want to be strong and fit but I know my vision of that is different from hers. I know it frustrates her that I’ve done all this work and I can’t be satisfied. I think in general maintenance is the hardest part but I can’t even rationalize in my head what is a good weight to maintain. I hide it from my daughter, I don’t want her to be like me. I talk about being healthy whenever my weight loss comes up. I strictly did it because I was over weight and unhealthy. I know that Eric knows I struggle. I can only guess what he thinks. I know I am not fat but yet I think I am. How do you explain that to someone? I don’t know why that number is so important to me now. I know that friends and family are right, I know that T means well, I know that Tony is trying to help me not gain all the weight back!! It just doesn’t register. How do I explain how and why my thought process has changed? I was so positive during the course of my weight loss and now this. Ugh!!! It’s taken me three days to type these few paragraphs because I don’t know if I can explain or make any sense.
May 23, 2013
Confessing to the amount of food I ate was difficult, I think talking about my weight feelings ranks right up there. I was awful to T at times and to myself really. I beat myself up daily and sometimes I had (still have) so much anger towards T. She was so positive and it drove me nuts. Certainly she enjoys reading my blog posts when I talk about how mad I was at her. I know I’ve said it before but when I am preparing to confess emotions I remind myself and you that I am not 100% sure what T really knows. Heck for all I know she could have known exactly how I felt and was hiding it from me. Who am I kidding, it wasn’t T that I was mad at. I was mad at myself, it was and is easier to blame her.
My memory with dates isn’t great, so please forgive me. I know I jump around a bit. Certain things stick out in my head and I want to share. I am not always 100% sure in which order they occurred though.
When the school year wraps up, I always have a lot of emotions that circle around. So many great things with family and friends. My fears return too. Do I still need T? Probably not. Many people wonder why I am still with her. Even her husband has asked her. I can’t make the break. Like my big Marshall sweatshirt and my other baggy clothes, she is security for me. I can tell her everything about weight, tell her what I am willing to share. Sure I have others I talk with but I am selective as to how in-depth I go. Of course they all read my blog but there is something different about me telling them details and them reading it. I would never be “weight ugly” to Bailey, Leah or Stacey. I tell them things but I mean those true “I want to shove you” kinda looks that I am so fond of, never!! With T – the gloves come off. When I am angry, nothing makes me happier than to workout with her.
My ups and downs are simply that. I’ll be great, positive attitude and then boom, down I go. The way I look bothers me. I had a moment in the fall that I remember and wish I could take back. I had gone back up to UVA for a follow-up regarding the whole epilepsy testing process (details with all that will be in the epilepsy section). I am on three anticonvulsants and UVA Dr.’s decided to add a fourth. Vimpat. All was well initially. About three weeks later something just happened and I was off. I was totally stressing about my weight, I was frustrated and annoyed. Being able to hide feelings became hard, I actually couldn’t do it. This was different. T and Ms. H came to get me one day and we were going to meet Bailey at Fitness 19. I literally was out of my body, disconnected, I don’t really know what happened. I can’t remember if Bailey and I were working out like we do now, everyday and her picking me up. I do know that was the first time she ever saw a side of me that was so ugly. It was probably the ugliest that T had ever seen too. It saddens me to think that the three of them even had to deal with it but they did. It’s a black and white moment for me. Like a dream where I only remember bits and pieces – did it really happen type of thing. I couldn’t look at any of them, I couldn’t talk at first, I was just shaking. I remember trying to run on the treadmill and I couldn’t do it. Next I know, we were gone. I remember T and Ms. H trying to talk to me but I didn’t want to. I know I did though. I can’t tell you what I said because I can’t remember. I exploded, that’s what it felt like. I remember I was so tired. I was tired of the worry and frustration of thinking. I was tired of feeling fat.
I wonder if T was surprised by that ? She’s seen me be pretty nasty and hard on myself. Ms. H certainly knows I can be but I am not sure she would have ever expected that – whatever that was. Bailey, it’s probably safe to say that she was totally caught off guard. I don’t think I’ve ever asked them.
May 8, 2013
The fall of 2012 was a bit rough. It was hard to put up a front everyday about how I felt about my weight. I was glad that I had sorta told T about my weight frustrations. The positive – I could let my guard down about feeling fat and I could be ugly about it to her, she would listen. I could vent! BUT she would also try to help and I didn’t want to hear it and still don’t! I didn’t want to hear things that required me to say “yes your right”, “I know” etc. Not because I am a smartass either. I didn’t want to accept anything nice. I knew she was right when she was addressing my health, weight, etc. but something in me couldn’t agree. Would I tell her all of it again if I had the chance to change that? No, I honestly wouldn’t. I have found it’s much easier to just act happy, the way you should act after dropping 110/120 pds. Don’t misunderstand, I am happy – I truly am. I also could take a black sharpie marker and dry it the hell up if I used it to circle all my problem area’s. I struggle with a love/hate when it comes to my weight. I have for years though. I just prefer to deal with these random emotions on my own. Having admitted the struggles to T just put them out there to be addressed. The extra eye on me, an extra long hug some days. This is awful to say but it took a bit of work on my part to get to where I was better at hiding things from her. Not now after she reads this! Open and honest and a work in progress. More ups and downs as the fall of 2012 continued.
April 30, 2013
The start of my sessions with T in Sept. 2012 were a bit rocky. Actually I am probably the only one who thought that. I knew T was no longer going to support my weight loss goals, yet I hadn’t really told her anything! I got her reaction from my weight loss while at UVA so I guess I took that as to how she would react to any further weight loss. I knew I was going to struggle to stay at 138 but I really wanted to. Since getting there hadn’t been done in a healthy manner, it really was inevitable that I would gain some of the weight back – I knew that. That didn’t stop me from wanting it though. I had seen the number and I wanted to continue to see it. So the game was on! BUT I played nice and acted all positive and hid what I was really thinking. Not the first time when it came to weight. I’d done it for years in high school and college. Then when my weight gain happened my feelings were different, I had to adjust to my weight going in the other direction. Once again my feelings were hidden. A master!
I did put some weight on after my drastic weight loss. Heck I probably gained two pds just from drinking a glass of water. In the end it ended up being about 7 pds that I gained back. I can’t say for sure but I don’t think you could really tell. My color looked better and my face wasn’t sunken in anymore. Everyone was happy but me. The inner turmoil, the pressure of seeing a number. Struggles, struggles!! I wanted to hit a weight so bad, an unhealthy number, I was willing to risk my sessions with T. My friendship really. She wouldn’t have backed off but I sure as shit was ready to shove her out of my way. I buried it for weeks and acted as though any weight gain was ok with me and said that I was feeling great!!
T was coming to my house once a week and we’d go to the gym once a week and meet Bailey. The rest of the time I was going to the gym with Bailey. She and I were really just hanging for the first time on a consistent basis. I’d known her for a while but we had started working out almost everyday so we were just getting to know each other. She knew me when I was heavier but she did not know anything about the weight issues in my head. That had all pretty much been left with Eric. She definitely took an approach more like Eric’s. Kind of letting me deal on my own but pop me in the head when I was ridiculous. Believe me I know I can be too. For some reason it doesn’t stop me from seeing myself differently, thinking I look heavy. My friend Stacey tells me that all the time. I don’t see myself the way others do. Why is that? So many of us do it. My husband and family are so tired of hearing me put myself down. I mean it’s one thing to joke but it’s another when it’s constant AND you believe it. I’m not the only one who does this right? My appearance is never good enough.
Certainly some of you would never imagine that I battle with emotions like I do. Mostly because I show very few. With exception to my family, most people I know probably never knew this about me. I’d guess that a couple of my friends from way back had their suspicions but it’s not something that I’d address or admit to. Weight, that is my struggle. Whether it’s me thinking I am not thin enough, or that I am healthy or that I am overweight. There you have it my friends, I constantly think about weight.
T finally got the low down from me towards the end of September early October. My weight feelings as I usually refer to them. I told her a touch about the annoying feelings that I get regarding weight loss but I put a positive spin on it at the same time – that’s one of my fav.’s. I told her they were brewing but I would let her know if I was drifting out of control. She made me promise – sure I would I told her! Ha! The master returns.
April 10, 2013
Starting this next post I just want to mention that I have and do go through phases with weight loss that are not good. I will share that with you – I realize when I am being crazy but there is something that comes over me and I just can’t help it. When I first reached 138 it was done in an unhealthy way, I was in the hospital and it was a touch out of my control. But I have and can be 138 and do it healthy. I do call that my fighting weight because it does require a lot of focus. It’s not a number I maintain regularly.
School started on Tuesday following my return from UVA. I was exhausted so I laid low and rested. T was coming Wednesday and I was ready to get back on track with our workouts. She showed up at my house bright and early Wed. morning – 8am. She saw me and her jaw hit the floor. Not in a good way either. I wasn’t really sure what her reaction would be but I secretly expected her to be happy. All I got was – oh my gosh Shellie boo! No smile at all! I know she was happy to see me but my appearance took over the happy reaction. She was not pleased about my weight loss. I again can’t deny it, I was a little happy about that 12 pd weight loss. She couldn’t even fake a smile, it was furrowed brow and jaw dropped. Now, I knew in my heart that I looked like complete shit! I was pale, not my normal pale either. Washed out pale and my face was sunken in. I looked sick and I knew it but I didn’t care. I expected her to be happy. She should be happy because I was, even though she had no idea how I felt. I was hiding my feelings. Deep down I was thrilled about that weight loss and I wanted her to be happy too. I was so mad at her. I didn’t let her know though, not at that point. I brushed it off – oh yes I know I don’t look good, I realize I am going to gain some of it back. Blah, blah, basically told her what she wanted to hear. For me, boom that was it! The challenge had been set. I was not going to gain any of that weight back and she pissed me off telling me that I would. I had so much brewing inside – she didn’t even know. I certainly wasn’t going to reveal it to her, how pissed I was and how much I wanted to stay that weight. My ugly side was returning but I didn’t want to talk to her about it, I didn’t want her to try to help me, I wanted to be pissy. I wanted to prove her wrong. I was being a big baby! I get that way with her sometimes. I couldn’t look her in the eye because I was pissed at her and because I was lying to her at the same time. Told her I knew I’d gain that quick weight drop back and that I was ok with it. My whole journey had been positive. I had been realistic but I finally reached a point where those old feelings returned. Once I saw one number, I’d want to see one lower. I hadn’t felt those ugly, under pressure feelings for years. September of 2012 they had returned. I hated the way I would feel but I loved the drive they would give me. I wasn’t about to let T stomp on my efforts. To add to T pissing me off, I saw Ms. H the next day. Happy greetings? Sure, she was glad that I was home but she raised her eye brows at me and said ” has T seen you”? I never get pissed at Ms. H but she pissed me off that day! Why was no one happy but me? And great, not only was I gonna have T on my ass about this but now Ms. H too!!! Perfect!!!
March 27, 2013
So end of August I was off to UVA for testing. I was 150 when I headed up there. I still had that excitement inside because I had done it. I made it through the summer without gaining weight. Actually I ended up losing 8 pounds and I didn’t have T by my side holding my hand. I just wanted to get to Charlottesville and knock this testing out and get home. I had to stay longer than I had hoped. The food was not great and I was completely exhausted at the end. Eric and Elizabeth came to pick me up and I was so happy to see them and be heading home. My parents had been at our house helping Eric out. Elizabeth did so much better than we thought she would. She was kept busy. My neighbor had helped those first two days until my parents could get to our house so Elizabeth was busy playing with her friend. Another day during the week a friend of mine came and picked Elizabeth up and they went to her house and Elizabeth got to play with another friend. My Mom and Dad kept her busy while Eric was working so it all worked out – she was our main concern.
I was a little worried about not exercising for a few days but it was completely out of my control so I had to deal. I was going to be gone a few days the last of August and the next week school would start and I would be back to my sessions with T. I was at 150 and I was excited about that. I was even beginning to think seeing the 140’s was possible. I would set my next goal when I met with T during our first session. I wasn’t prepared for how weird I’d feel during and after my hospital stay. My family and friends weren’t prepared for how I was going to look when I came home. I guess I wasn’t either but that was so far back in my head because I just wanted to get home. I hadn’t seen myself. I’m not kidding. There was no mirror to look in. Now that I think about it, I wonder why? Was it because they were forcing epileptic’s to have seizures and they were concerned about mirror’s being around? Seems odd but oh well. Anyway, the reaction I got from my parents told me that I looked awesome! No, I’m kidding – I looked terrible. But I also remember feeling a bit annoyed by them telling me that. I had been working my ass off for so long and that’s what I got. I went upstairs to settle in and saw myself. I looked like shit!!! Hollow checks, pale pasty ghost white and I was skinny! But skinny in a you look bad way. I cleaned up and decided to step on the scale. I was 138. I had lost 12 pounds in 6 days. I had no energy, my mood was sour and I looked sick.
Secretly was I happy about the weight loss? Damn right I was! With my weight loss success there was good and bad! When I hit 160 I was thrilled. I knew I could break into the 150’s. I saw 158 and thought gosh if I could get to 155. Saw that and then it was 150. It wasn’t enough. Feelings that I had when I was younger were coming back. Shit!! If I could just get to this number then I’ll be happy – that’s what I would say. I saw 150 and thought certainly I can get to 148. Well I did but I didn’t see it cause I was in the hospital and I went straight down to 138. When I came home from UVA it was a Saturday and T was coming Wednesday. Was she happy to see me? I will say this – she had a very big opinion which pissed me off which made her annoyed. That was the start of a new battle between us.
March 20, 2013 (spell check isn’t working tonight, I apologize in advance)
I forgot to mention in my last post that shortly before school ended I had started going to Fitness 19 with T once or twice a week. We still did most of my sessions at my house. T and I started running into Bailey when we would go to the gym. Then it just kinda became this thing, if we knew a couple days ahead of time that we were going to be there a certain day at a certain time – I would let Bailey know and she’d try and meet us. We made plans to go to the gym over the summer but we were all gone a lot so it didn’t really work out. I started the summer off at 158 and my goal was to maintain. Truthfully, I wanted to lose more but I HAD to maintain at least 158. So once again that fear of not having T up my ass scared me. I was so comfortable, dependent really, knowing I would see her certain days of the week. I relied on it and when taken away the fear would set in. At that point I was over two years in with her and I still didn’t have complete confidence in myself. Wasn’t sure I could keep the weight off without her. Pathetic right? I’m a grown women and I feared gaining weight if I didn’t have her attention. My husband is supportive and the rest of my family and friends too but she was the one that I believed made it all happen.
The summer got going and I was fine. I hardly saw T. A couple of times at our neighborhood pool but that was it. We were both so busy. We started texting each other making jokes about how we weren’t going to remember each other. I of course put it all on her because that is just how I am with her. It’s how we joke. I continued daily workouts at home, 6 days a week. A couple of my friends on my street started coming over in the morning and we would do the Insanity program. Yes it is insane. We also started running in the mornings. Many of us on the cul-de-sac decided to do the Military Challenge. We have named ourselves the sak pak and we each have a name. Juvenile? NO! Of course we know we are but we have fun. I worked out all summer with my girls on the sak but hardly saw T. Bailey and I didn’t work out either. The Military Challenge rolled around end of July or early August and I was 155 when we did the race. I am just gonna say now, the Challenge is where I get a little fuzzy on exact weights and events. Some things I am sure about and others I am a little sketchy. I have tried to keep pictures in order and noted the weight I approximately was but I apologize if I mix things a bit. I have posted a couple of pictures from the race. It was a 3 mile mud run and we had a great time.
I’ve mentioned in my epilepsy section that I was starting some testing at UVA towards the end of the summer 2012. The end of August I headed up to Charlottesville and I was 150 when I was admitted. I had been through the summer without T by my side and I had lost 8 pounds. I continued being healthy on my own and I lost more weight! I hadn’t seen her and I was excited! I wasn’t happy about having tests done but my return from UVA would also be the start of the new school year. New school year meant back into sessions with T. I would be able to officially say that I had done it! Things didn’t go as I planned!
March 12, 2013
My goal of 160 was reached shortly before easter. Perfect because we go to my parents every year for Easter and then Elizabeth and I and Ms. Milly stay for Springbreak. My Mom, Aunt and I went shopping for an Easter dress for me. There is a picture is in my pic.’s section. I was shocked to find that the size dress I was able to fit in was much smaller than I expected. In high school and college I was pretty much an 8, occasionally a 6 but that was seldom. In high school and college I hovered around 135 to 145. My build was much different then and now. You’d think I’d be larger now but that is not true. I lift weights now, free weights and that is a huge difference from what I did back then. I was 160 and was wearing 6 and 8’s in jeans. To my surprise my Easter dress was a size 8. I was basically 20 pds. heavier but was wearing the same size. I was in shape and I was toning, very good right? I saw a picture on pinterest and I wish I had saved it. A girl weighing 127 and her weighing 137. She was toned with some muscle definition (not bulky) and at 137 she looked smaller than she did at 127. So, my point being that even though I weighed more I had toned up and was smaller size wise than previous weights.
Sssooooo, In the beginning of this journey I thought a weight of 160 was going to satisfy me. I regret to inform you that it didn’t. Once I reached 160 I no longer included T in on any goals that I wanted to reach. I decided to set another goal. I wanted to see at least 159 – thought that would be cool. My efforts working out were full on and my food choices were strict!! I kept T out of the loop on where I was weight wise and what goal I was trying to reach. Oh don’t mistake, she was not fooled for long. I saw her every week! When we wrapped up our sessions when school ended my goal, once again, was to maintain my weight over the summer. Oh yes, the fear of not seeing T set in as in previous years and I thought I couldn’t do it on my own. I did see the 150’s before T and I finished – I was 158 when we finished our sessions. I have a picture of me and a friend that was taken after we completed the Military Challenge. I will try to find it and post in my pic section today. I was pretty excited to be heading into the summer in the 150’s, now I once again had to maintain it!
March 5, 2013
I paid! I paid big time! I thought I was so funny and that I was winning at this little game. In my head I had made T sweat, she was tired and I had pushed her. Yes I made her sweat but she wasn’t really tired and I had not pushed her at all. Well, I hadn’t pushed her physically but I did push her into wanting to kick my ass at our session the next day. This had been a deal to encourage me to reach a goal that I desperately wanted. I had turned it into a show down. Not played well on my part. I recall wanting to die after that Wed. session. That would be one of those sessions I mentioned, the sweat dripping off my nose and running into my eyes. Where I’d finish an exercise and I’d look at her out of the corner of my eye and all I could think about was wanting to punch her. To this day I haven’t learned my lesson with her. I challenge and challenge and it bites me every time. You would think after three years with her I would know better. There is a reason I do this and I am not sure why. I will figure it out at some point and I will share it with you when I do.
So starting with this blog, talking with T, I knew I wanted to share how I made this happen. All of it, good, bad, and ugly. I wish so badly I could tell you every single detail and I would if could remember. I probably should start going back through this story because I may be able to remember things that I forgot at the time I was typing. When I started on my journey with T I would tell her my goals. I tried not to focus on a number but I did bring them up. I can remember saying getting to such and such number would be great! Those small goals that I wanted to reach were so important and they took the focus off the amount of weight I needed to lose. The triumph’s along the way were amazing, and hitting 160 was truly unbelievable. I wasn’t sure I could reach 160 but it was a number that I felt was possible and if I could get there I’d be so satisfied. Once I hit 160 it got harder for me to set goals. In a couple of my recent posts I talked about how hard I wanted T to push me. Wanting to sweat and work so hard, pushing to the point where I didn’t think I could go further. I am setting this up because I hit 160 a year ago. With that triumph and excitement, well, other things came along with it.
Feb. 28, 2013
I am not sure what was more exciting for me – seeing 160 or getting to make-up a workout for T to do. Omg, I am not sure!! Of course I say it is winning the deal but so much more came with it. She’s no dummy, she knew. She saw the happiness & confidence coming back, my regard for myself changing. She’d take on a workout just to see my success. Now, I am extremely fortunate. T isn’t like all trainer’s and I was and still am fortunate to have her. I have mentioned before that she truly wanted me to be successful. Sometimes she wanted it more than I wanted it. I paid her but honestly I think there were times, especially in the beginning, she would have passed up the money if it meant I’d stick to it. When I reached 160 we had been working together for 2 years. I liked her, hated her, was glad she was my friend and some days never wanted to see her again. Getting to 160, she had challenged me and helped me find that competitive drive and spirit. I was excited and feeling good about myself. I wanted her to bring the hardest workouts she could bring. She did! Spartacus workouts, holy crap! Those brutal workouts, I enjoyed it. Those were my favorite. Doing exercises, like dips until fail! I wanted her to try to make me fall. I’ve mentioned she and I boxing and the joy I felt when I hit her hard enough to make her stepped back – that was victory. She can kick my ass any day of the week, but being able to hang with her – priceless!! It’s the small victory’s on the way. I couldn’t focus on my ultimate end result, it was too overwhelming. The accomplishments made exercise wise – there are no words. Knowing that I went from maybe one push-up to multiple sets and in different ways, I can’t tell you how that feels. Focus on that! Don’t always make it about a number. You can have various victories along the way and they don’t all have to be weight. I still get scared, the fear of giving up, wanting to throw in the towel, picking junk food over health – it never ends for me. But I really know health has won. 160 was a big moment for me and not just because of the deal T and I made. The workouts were brutal! I said every single inappropriate word possible. But I won! I never once gave in and to this day T can throw the hardest at me and I won’t give up. I’ll call her every name in the book but I won’t give in. 160 brought so much accomplishment, heart and soul. Making up a workout for her was the icing. To see my happiness, she was totally willing to do it.
With all that said, I did indeed enjoy the day of her workout. T and H came over and Ms H had made some fabulous low-fat muffins. We enjoyed them while T did my workout. As much as I enjoy working out, most days, I still have certain exercises I don’t like so much. I had prepared a very intense one hour workout for T and all exercises I dislike were in it. She was sweating and huffin and puffin! Fabulous! She knocked it out and at one point a bet was made and lost by Ms. H so she had to finish the last round. It was a wonderful thing for me to sit back and watch. As we parted that morning, omg I can still see it today, T looked back at me and said “be seeing ya tomorrow”. My dumb self hadn’t thought about the fact that I had a session with her the next day. Yes, yes I paid.
Feb. 21, 2013
I had a couple of months to drop the weight. It wasn’t coming off as easy. T wanted me to stick with our path of healthy choices and working out. She knew that this was going to be a challenge I would meet! No way would I miss this opportunity to stand over her and tell her what to do. I still had to commit to staying healthy, no diet pills, or liquid diets – none of that. This was to be a change that I could continue with. I think I can say that those 10 pds were the hardest to lose. Through my entire journey, going from 170 to 160 was the worst!!! I had plateaued throughout my journey. Off the top of my head I can easily recall 4 times that I wanted to scream because I just couldn’t push through!! I did though. I always made it – I had to focus on how far I had come. Never mistake that quitting crossed my mind on many occasions – brief as they may have been. There were times when the only thing that kept me going was being able to make-up a workout for T to do. 168 came and it decided to stay for a while. I was constantly texting T about my frustration and wanting to eat a cookie instead of try anymore. She did her regular encouragement and I thought about my end goal AND the challenge T and I had made. Another plateau came at 162. Seriously?! Are you kidding me? Two pounds from a huge victory and I stall out at 162! I was so excited to be so close, T was actually getting a little nervous about my excitement. She wasn’t, she could do anything thrown at her but she told me she was. I did it. I pushed guys, I pushed so hard that i was literally sweating my butt off. I wish I could truly express to you how making those small goals helped. I was never overwhelmed by how much I really wanted to lose in the end. It was jumping each hurdle, seeing that goal and picking a new one!! I saw 160 and took a picture and sent it to T. A date would be picked for her workout and I had the biggest f*&king smile on my face!!!!!!!!!
I was so excited to have made it through the holidays and maintain my weight. So much excitement, so many fears. It never ends though, hate to say it. The weight wasn’t falling off like it had been in the beginning. I would hit plateaus and get very frustrated. I never thought I’d get past them at times. Those days were hard and it was hard to stick to it at times. I did push through. I bitched and complained to T during those rough patches but she encouraged me to hang in there. We would box during some sessions and that was awesome. I got so many of my frustrations out. Plus, I got to hit T. Not really but there were a few times that my right hook got a little close to her face. We’d switch off too because it’s a great workout wearing the punching pads and catch the punches. I admit she is badass and her punches would make me step back BUT I got to wear I could make her step back too.
My new goal was 160. I knew it was gonna be tough. T gave me the BEST challenge ever!! She knew I’d do it but she knew I doubted myself. She gave me a window to lose the 10 pds, a healthy deadline. If i met the challenge I was gonna get an awesome reward! I was going to get to make-up a workout for her to do and she’d have to do it. Ms. H was going to come with homemade healthy muffins and she and I were going to eat muffins and drink coffee while I had my chance to kick T’s ass!!! No reward could be better!!!
Feb. 14, 2013
Thanksgiving and Christmas time in 2011. I was down to 170 That holiday season I was not confident! I was so afraid I would start gaining. I was texting T constantly about my fears. Those were the times when my moods would get bad. I wanted her to encourage me that I could do it but I didn’t want the compliments. Good thing she is a patient person. I actually am too but I have a breaking point. It’s times like this, thinking right now – what a bitch I was at times. I joked with her all the time but not always cute joking. I can have a sharp tongue and she listened to it and tolerated it. She was the one that got all the raw emotions. My poker, hard to read face. My sarcasm that can sometimes be hard to interpret as joking or not. She learned all of my crap moods and treatment and she rolled with it. This was all coming out through this journey and most of it fell on her. The days she tried so hard to encourage me and be positive, I couldn’t respond positive. The days I was drenched with sweat and it was dripping off my nose and she’d tell me I could get through it. Twelve more, you got it! I can remember the feelings that burned inside, the sideways, sweaty glance out of the corner of my eye that I would give her. Those days were frequent at times. Had the tables been turned I would have told her to go f#$k off!! Funny, I can actually remember the feelings I’d get – sitting here recalling those days. She probably doesn’t even realize how I burned inside some days. She was so used to me I think my crap just didn’t faze her. At some point, I think that started pissing me off! I couldn’t do enough to get under her skin!
This sounds juvenile I know but the emotions you go through – I truly can’t explain. I wanted to cry but there was no way in hell that was going to happen. I wanted to punch her – I could have but she would have kicked my ass in the end. I needed to just dump it on someone and she got it. I could have just walked away too. It was such a love hate thing for me at that point. I needed her to push me and encourage me but I hated her for doing it. Eric stayed out of it. He would reminded me of the fun I had hanging with T and he moved on. We did have fun, I wouldn’t have made it through if I hadn’t. But damn I would get angry. On the flip side, I did enjoy the time she dropped the F bomb – she heard me say it a million times. It only took me short of two years to get her to finally say it.
We made a deal, something for me to focus on to get me through the holidays. I can’t remember the particulars of the deal but I made it, I maintained 170. A new deal was set when we started back after the new year.
Feb. 11, 2013
Elizabeth had started first grade and that was hard for me. I stay home, can’t work and can’t drive. Elizabeth had always been with me for most of the day – aside from the couple hrs a day while in pre-school and then a couple hrs while in kindergarten. She was now gone the entire day! I found myself in a bit of a slump. T was back at my house twice a week and I was motivated on those two days. I stuck to good eating habits but I was struggling with exercise. Again, funny that food choices has been easier for me to tackle then exercise. T was kicking my butt twice a week. I was drenched, grunting through things but I never gave up. That old competitive edge was surfacing and I wasn’t about to let her think I couldn’t get through something. I wanted to do more on my own but I just wasn’t there. I had my two machines downstairs in our front room and that’s where we worked out during our sessions. I am going to tell you what finally happened for me. This is going to sound so totally cheesy but oh well it is true. I have mentioned in other sections that the three of us love music. Well Elizabeth and I had been watching some PBS special of different people and we heard Josh Groban sing. We loved his voice. She was all over her Dad to get us some of his music. So Eric did. That is all Elizabeth and I wanted to listen to. One day while they both were off to school and work I was messing on the computer. I happened to pull up some of the Josh Groban songs that we had on iTunes. I was just sitting there doing nothing constructive and a song came on of his that I had not heard. Well of course it was awesome and I really liked it. You know how often we hear a song and we have no idea what the meaning is behind it? I am totally that way. I can think a song is about love and it’s really about death. I never know. Anyway this amazing song was on and he was singing about angles and hero’s and what we see and what others see. I just stopped what I was doing and thought – I was not the best person I could be for my husband or my daughter. I wasn’t who he had married and I wanted to be better for both of them. I went downstairs and got on my elliptical machine and I have had a steady workout schedule since!! Oh and guess what? I started to see more weight loss and was feeling even better!!! Josh came to Norfolk that November and my Mom, Aunt and I went to his concert. I was down to 170. I was so excited! It was time to set a new goal – Ms. T gave me a challenge!!!!
Feb. 5, 2013
I was very nervous for the summer to start and talked about it with Ms. T. I had done well but wasn’t going to see her on a regular basis over the summer. She had literally become more than my trainer. I can’t even say what really. I lean on my husband, I need him to tell me things are going to be ok. When I make a decision I need him to tell me its the right one. I’ve broken out of that a little. I know I can make decisions but there is something about him just saying its right. I don’t know – is it 17 1/2 years of marriage? Let me ask him and I’ll get back to you. I leaned on T like that too, still do. She knew of course but I don’t know if she realized the extent. How I felt in my stomach, how I depended on her constant support. The fear I had that I couldn’t do it without her was tremendous. I joked about seeing her at the gym the other day and her attention wasn’t on me. It does bother me – I am use to her focus being on me and her being there for me. Selfish? Yep, I will totally admit it. I needed her that summer and I felt like she gave me too much credit in that I would be able to make it through on my own. Maintain the weight and continue with some exercise. Knowing I was going to see her twice a week kept me focused, not having that scared me to death. It’s funny doing this blog works things out in my head when I type. Eric is there for anything, though I think with the weight loss he was letting me figure it out on my own. Just like this blog. He knows all this computer stuff and could have this thing running with all kinds of awesomeness. But he wants me to be able to say I did it in the end. So doing this training with T has kinda been the same. He was/has been there for me and is so proud and supportive. This was/is my thing and I was asking T to help me do it and that’s how he wanted it to be as well. She was teaching me how to make it happen. Both of them always say – look what you did, all on your own…. No I didn’t. I appreciate it and I know I put the work in but they don’t know how I felt inside, how they helped me.
I saw T more than I thought I would that summer and I was so glad. We did a lot of swimming and walking. I stayed on track and when school started in Sept. of 2011 I was at 180. I had maintained for 2 1/2 months, what a feeling that was!
Jan. 30, 2013
I had an ultimate end goal in mind. I will tell you that I have surpassed where I thought I would be and what I thought I could do. Once I made the commitment to myself which in turn would no longer waste Ms. T’s time, I was feeling pretty good. I was actually excited. First time I was really feeling positive about dropping some pounds. I started dropping some too. I cut out soda and Ben & Jerry’s were really gone this time. When I made my true commitment I was able to monitor my choices better, working out more than the two days I was with Ms. T – that was difficult. I really thought I would be the opposite since I had struggled with food for so long. Then again, I had yoyo dieted so much I guess it kinda made sense. I paid more attention to what I was eating and to the portion size. I am not one for cutting things out completely, like fat or carbs. I try to pick healthy choices period and eat the correct portions. I started seeing the weight come off. OMG I can’t tell you how it felt to see the scale change – and to be going down this time not up. I reached 219 fairly quick. I still wasn’t working out a lot on my own. I did my two workouts a week and I was doing some walks with T and H. I had some bumps in the road. Hit several plateaus. Made bad choices now and then. My two days a week with T were kick a@#! I was sweating and getting stronger each week. After 219 I told T I wanted to see 209. That was my next goal. I hit that pretty quick too. I wanted to be under 200 so bad I could taste it. Along with cake, cookies, ice-cream etc. But I wanted that 199 more! I saw it too. I took a picture of it and sent it to T. I was so happy and so was she. I had reached several goals at that point. Every time I set a new one I just thought to myself – if I can just get to the 190’s I’ll be thrilled. Well that’s a good and bad for me. Good in the sense that I wasn’t giving up and I also wasn’t giving myself expectations that I was going to be the same size I was in high school. Bad in the sense that for me how I look is based on a number, I’d done it before and was doing it again.
A couple of years prior to meeting T, I had walked and rd bikes with a friend – think I mentioned that. I got to 203. I was still in plus size clothes though. When I got to 212 while working out with T, I was out of plus size. T was working me so hard those two days, my body was changing. I still hadn’t picked up a lot of extra workouts on my own but I was getting there. My neighbor (S) and I were walking and we were lifting weights at my house so I was getting there. I can remember times I would text T and tell her that she better say something to me cause I was about to shove something in my mouth that I shouldn’t. Yes, I did hear back from her and I didn’t eat what I was thinking about eating. She would text me and say – it’s a beautiful day you and S should go for a walk. She was on me – thank god!!! I can remember the feeling of being able to do certain exercises so much easier than I had been able to in the beginning. Jump squats – I’d almost puke doing those. I could rock them out nothing flat. Burpee’s, no one likes them but I could hardly get through a set of them in the beginning. And push ups – forget it!!! I couldn’t do one, and I mean with knees down. I was able to do at least 12 no problem and that was regular. I had come along way before our sessions ended that school year. I was eating so much better, I could do the exercises T was giving me and I was feeling great! When our sessions ended June 2011, I was 180. I wanted nothing more than to maintain that weight during the summer. That was my goal – to stay at 180 for 2 1/2 months until our sessions started again.
Jan 28, 2013
My commitment to stick with training was pushed from the very beginning. Ms. T had moved into our neighborhood and had a room set up for her yoga and training sessions. I was going to be going to her house to workout. That did not go well for me. She had been coming to my house and making the change to go to her’s, harder than you can imagine. I am not OCD, though I may have some tendencies. Its like this – the first day my gym buddy and I worked out together doing cardio, she was on my left side. Now she has to be on my left. Ms. T and I do cardio at the gym, she has to be on my right, so does Ms. H. NOW when Ms. T and I walk outside, she has to be on my left and Ms. H is on my left if she and I go. My point is, once I start a certain way with things it is very hard for me to change. I am not the only one that is that way with such things, they are pretty used to that set up too. I did not like going to Ms. T’s to work out. She could see one day that something was wrong and asked me what my problem was. I straight up told her I didn’t like leaving my house for our sessions. Back to my house we went.
I had a few pieces of equipment that had been gathering dust and she suggested we move them into our downstairs front living room. The room wasn’t really being used for anything so she and I moved them. We moved my elliptical machine and a full body weight machine downstairs. I was ready to get with the program. She asked me to set a small goal. Pick a couple of small goals and work towards them. My first two goals – be back under 220 and out of plus size clothes! We were on!
We ended our first round of training sessions in June 2010 when school ended. I told Ms. T I would work hard at getting consistent with exercise, I’d make better choices, drink more water and I wouldn’t gain my 9 pounds back. The only thing I was successful at was gaining the 9 pounds back. I gained a couple extra too. I decided to start back up with her in September when school started. I told her I was back up to 228 but I was really 231. I floundered again. Telling her I was trying and I wasn’t. I tried when I was with her but that was it. It was getting close to Christmas and I was debating on starting up again after the new year. I was throwing the money away, I wasn’t trying aside from my time with her. My husband finally said – you are having fun so keep going. He just wanted me to be happy. He didn’t care what I weighed, just that I was happy. He could see what I couldn’t, It was helping me – it was working. The weight loss I wanted would come – I was finding myself. Ms. T and I did have fun so that kept me going. Her being cheerful and positive and me being my sarcastic rude self. I had that doubt though guys. The doubt I tell you all not to have – I had it. My intentions were to do it but in the back of my mind I could NEVER see myself healthy again. I will tell you too, I’d say thin. I doubted myself constantly, I didn’t believe I could be thin. Two things right there, not so good for me to have in my head. I was going about it so wrong. When I decided to stay with it, I was really going to try. This was the last round – do it or the sessions end. My commitment was made – Jan, 2011.
Now the fact that I hung in there for some of the torture that I did has to say something. She wasn’t holding my hand during these sessions. I was sweating and struggling through and she was in my face telling me to move it. The couple of times I had to ask if I could take a minute to rest – that killed me! I didn’t want to ask but I didn’t want to puke on my carpet either. Not joking, I thought I was going to barf. She was cool about it. Told me to sit a minute, then asked me if was ok. I told her I was and she said “ok you got another round”. No sympathy beyond making sure I didn’t puke! I will be honest and say that she was very encouraging . She was trying to get me to believe I could push through. Its funny how her encouragement is so different now. She yells at me now, she knows how much I like to push myself and how competitive I can be. Plus, I’m not weak anymore. I don’t mean physically, I know I am stronger. She helped me remember the strong person I had been, the one I really was. The person my husband married, the one my family remembered. I wasn’t weak-minded, I had opinions, I was funny and challenging. Oh I am certain there are days she wishes she hadn’t unlocked that – I can be a complete jackwagon! I joke, I am not awful and she would never take back anything. I had lost a lot of myself with that weight gain. My self-esteem and confidence were gone! I once had it and she could see that. I had used humor and sarcasm to cover my feelings, as a way to make fun of myself. Now, humor and sarcasm exist because that’s just me. It’s not because I am weak, I found my self- esteem and confidence again.
Jan. 19, 2013
A brief clarification on my yoyo dieting (hate that word) and weight changes. I would go up and down very quickly, prior to Elizabeth and after. I did weight watchers with a couple of neighbors and lost 40 pds, 20 of that never found me again. The other 20 I was up and down with. I started walking with a neighbor early in the morning. We’d walk or ride our bikes. I can’t tell you how many times I prayed for rain because I didn’t want to do it. So there is a consistent factor for me when it comes to eating right and exercise – accountability. Not everyone needs it but I clearly do.
Ms. T started coming to my house in January of 2010. When I weighed in with her I was 228 pds. I was actually kind of happy about that to be honest. I hadn’t seen the 220’s in a while. So we decide that I am going to do two sessions a week with her. I had to push myself to get through those first sessions. I was sweating my a@$ off and huffin and puffin. Yes, I did in fact think I was going to die. I was so freaking sore after our first session I really wanted to quit!! I had another session two days later. I was trying to decide if I should just not answer the door or if I should suck it up and get through it and then punch her in the face. Thats what went through my head. Not, hey this is going to be great – I’m gonna get healthy! Nope! Hide or hit her!!!! This was bad too – she would ring the door bell and then smile and wave at me through the little windows by my door. Ugh!! Can I tell you how that irritated me?! OMG, beyond belief! She was/is too chipper for me in general but back then her being chipper and excited to workout at 8am was too much!!
Every now and then I am forced to say something nice about Ms. T so I will now. Believe me she knows it’s short-lived. I dreaded every workout in the beginning but she made me laugh and that made it fun. She is die-hard but she was also sensitive to my frustrations and she managed them and knew what I needed motivation wise. She was right too, I never felt as bad as I did after those first sessions. I was never that sore again. She was giving me information to use when she wasn’t around. Exercises I could do and things I should eat. I didn’t do any of it the first five months we worked out. I told her I was but I was still drinking soda, eating ice-cream and never did exercise on the days I wasn’t with her. She only recently found some of this out too. I did lose a little weight over those five months – 9 pds. I was 219 going in to the summer. It kills me when I think back, she thought I was working so hard those five months and I was lying to her. We were and still are friends. She wanted health for me more than I did. I was paying her sure, but she really wanted me to get healthy and I was wasting her time. I lied to her cause food and laziness were still more important.
Jan. 18, 2013
As I was eating as much food as possible, I was napping when Elizabeth did. That certainly wasn’t moving me in a healthy direction, hell I wasn’t moving period. Its weird sitting here thinking back on what I did to eat. I wasn’t driving anymore, I wasn’t really using the stove – especially when Eric wasn’t home. Burned myself one time too many. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich isn’t the worst thing you could eat right? Sure, if you just eat one. So that’s what I started doing when I was home. It wasn’t easy to get the various items anymore but I just ate a lot of what we had. I can even say that I gorged myself at times. I never would have thought that, not until just now. I literally was gorging myself. Oh and there was always ordering something for delivery. I did that many times. Cheese cal-zone, 2 liter of soda, dessert. I would consume pretty much all of it.
The first two years of Elizabeth’s life, she and I hung around the house. I had a couple of people that I would go out with during the day now and then but I was perfectly happy at home. We met friends of ours for dinner every Friday night. Their son is the same age as our daughter so they enjoyed getting together too. I NEVER ate healthy that night!!
When Elizabeth started pre-school I started meeting other people and was out and about during the day. This was totally opposite of my home body life and there was always an opportunity for me to eat something that was unhealthy. I took advantage of that every chance I had. This was pretty much the whole time Elizabeth was in pre-school. Her last year at pre-school I met my trainer. I have now been referring to her as Ms. T in my posts. I had been invited to a bible study that was being held at a lady’s house that I knew. I didn’t know her really well but I decided to give it a shot, my new out of the house self. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed the ladies in the group. I connected with Ms. T immediately. Our personalities are somewhat similar yet it’s almost like I am the little devil sitting on a shoulder and she is the little angel on the other shoulder. She tolerates my rough sides and just laughs. We clicked and are good friends. I am going to mention now because she will come up later – the lady who held the bible study has also become a good friend. She just doesn’t put up with my, my shit. Sorry, no other word I can really use there. She started doing my hair and our friendship went from there. She shall be named Ms. H (hairstylist)! They are best friends and are special people. They challenged me – made me look hard at myself. Didn’t like what I was seeing – time to change!
Ms T. mentioned one day that she was thinking about doing some personal training. Not just something she was just off the fly gonna do. This was her thing and she wanted to give it a go. I was the first one to sign on.
Jan. 16, 2013
The epilepsy diagnosis came when I was working at my second job. I had to stop driving. My husband took me to work and picked me up. If he was going to be a little late, there was Seven/Eleven or the vending machine to keep me busy. It’s amazing to recall how much I hid food and for so long. So as I was eating behind his back, gosh that sounds so weird but I was, we were still going out to eat a lot. He’d order a salad and I was ordering a cheeseburger and fries. So shortly after starting my second job we have the epilepsy diagnosis and one year later – I am pregnant.
My OB/GYN said I needed to keep my weight gain as low as possible. I didn’t have bad morning sickness but I did lose weight those first three months. A lot of things grossed me out food wise. Due date comes and with having the weight loss in the beginning, I ended up only gaining 11 pds during my pregnancy. Not too bad. It didn’t last though – I gained it all back and more.
It is difficult to remember exactly when I had weight loss or gain prior to my recent success. I was such a yoyo, constantly up and down. But I honestly did not care at the time.
Eric and I had our daughter and we were so happy. I seriously cared less about how I looked! Additionally, after our daughter was born, my epilepsy treatment was being pushed by my new Dr. I was told I couldn’t work, so I was home with our new baby. I certainly didn’t take advantage of my situation and begin making healthy choices. I found other ways to eat what I was craving. I would just make food. Pancakes, one of my favorites, toast with butter and jelly, sandwiches and cereal. That’s just off the top of my head. Sometimes several of those foods a day! My husband had to wonder where all the food was going.
Jan. 3, 2013
Ok, this is a long story and I believe it will require as much detail as possible. When we look for support, inspiration and understanding, we really want it to come from a person who has truly been in our shoes, who we feel can really relate. I know I do. I want to be as detailed as possible with you all so you can understand that my journey was not a breeze. I didn’t just wake up one morning and say this is the day and off I went! I had and have many thoughts that constantly go through my head when it comes to my weight, size, health etc. I never thought I would ever have to take a journey like I did. I hope my honesty and details can in someway hit home for you, in whatever way you need.
Confession, I am guilty of looking at celebrities and wishing I could look like them. This goes way back to high school days. I was never happy with how I looked and always thought – if I could lose just a bit more weight I’d be happier with myself. It never happened. I was a happy person but was never happy with my weight. I remember the George Michael video Freedom. It had all the popular models and I wanted so badly to be their size. I would try to remind myself that they get paid to look the way they do but there was always a part of me that thought maybe it was possible. You all may have seen that I have a quote from my fav actress Gwyneth on my page. It is certainly not because I can relate to her, I just appreciate that she is honest about her weight and is not a celebrity that pretends she can eat anything without gaining weight. She has discussed in detail how hard she has to work to be in shape. Again, she gets paid to look how she does but she is honest about how hard she works. So when I see a great picture of her and I think to myself – gosh I wish I looked that good – I am glad I favor an actress who can admit she has to work to stay in shape. Sounds a little silly I know!!!! I’m just being honest. This is just my set up to let you know that I am going to tell you pretty much everything! So yes, I sometimes wish I could look like Gwyneth.
I didn’t start gaining weight until I started working after college. I got married, moved and started my new job. I had no problem at first, first couple of years no biggie. Then we moved to the oceanfront and started going out to eat -A LOT!!! I liked my beers too. It was slow at first and then BOOM!! I weighed 200 pds. I wasn’t happy but I think my mind-set was, I am tall so I can carry this extra weight. It wasn’t the time I spent with my husband going out to dinner that packed on the pounds. Ugh, this is a huge confession. Sitting here typing right now I am reminded of the things I would do to eat and OH MY GOSH its awful. To this day I don’t think my husband knows and he will probably be shocked when he reads this. When he would go out to run errands or if he was with his boss, whoever, I would go and get food. I would go to McDonald’s and get a super size meal and a couple extra things. Sometimes I would just drive over to the gas station across from our apartments and would buy soda and snack cakes, candy bars and cookies. I would order pizza and soda. I hid it from him. I would throw the trash in the dumpster before he got home. I clearly remember one time I had gone to McDonald’s and it was raining. When I got back to our apartment I got out of the car and the bag of food ripped and fell onto the ground. The sandwiches (notice plural) were ok but my french fries were all over the ground. I got back in my car and went and bought more.
Goodness, that was hard to get through! I needed a break after that confession. I wish I knew why I suddenly went into such a deep eating lifestyle. Hiding it from my husband. We were having fun together, hung out with fun people. Most of our social time existed at restaurants, having dinner and beer. My husband didn’t gain weight though. He also wasn’t secretly eating behind my back.
As I look back, I think one thing I struggled with was working. Please don’t take that as snobbish. I had gone to Marshall University, graduated and then went to SUNY Brockport. That is where I met my husband Eric. I didn’t really work during college. I had a small job the summer before I started college at Marshall and that was it. A couple of years into my time at Marshall my Dad made me do this summer program that his company did. They hired employees kids for the summer to do various jobs. It was for like three months in the summer and that was it. But I was pissed!!!! I had every intention of working one day, that’s why I was going to college. I had no idea how hard the adjustment of being supported 100% by my parents to actually having to support myself was going to be. I can’t imagine what my husband thought during those first couple years. He’s worked since he was 15. I had to have looked like a whiny baby!!! Thank god he loves me!!
No one knew that almost every morning I stopped at Burger King and got a large soda, bacon, egg and cheese biscuit and a bacon, egg and cheese croissant. EVERY morning. I had lunch out with fellow co-workers almost everyday. If no one was going out to eat, I went by myself and got fast food. Again, EVERY time I went out to grab lunch. If I didn’t have a lot of time for lunch I would go over to Farm Fresh. A grocery store that was five minutes from the place I worked. I would go and basically buy everything I was craving and bring it back and put it in my office. Donuts, pop-tarts, chips, soda – basically anything I could hide in my office. The intention was that they would be snacks for several days. I usually would eat it all in a day or two. I could and would easily eat an entire box of cinnamon pot-tarts in one afternoon. Washed down with two soda’s – diet of course. I was at work so people could see me drinking them. If it was a fountain soda I could say it was diet but it was most likely regular. Restaurants that were favored when several of us went out, Mexican and Italian. I never ate anything healthy. If I ever ate healthy in a day it was probably when I was with my husband. But I don’t recall many healthy choices being made. I am sure I probably told him I was so busy that day that I hadn’t eaten. My justification for eating whatever choice I made that night.
I was stuck at that point. No desire to workout and certainly no desire to eat better. My taste for crap food totally out weighed any concerns I had about my health or appearance. At one point I was not far off from my husbands weight and he is 6 ‘ 6″ ! I used to say to him all the time “I am not who you married, why does that not bother you?” He loved/loves me and just wanted me happy. He knew from the day he met me that I had issues about my weight. It was never good enough. If I wanted to see a certain number on the scale and I got there, well then there was something else I could do to look better. He had/has a way with me and my weight issues and somehow he handles it just right.
This continued for years. I just accepted that I was overweight and pretty much couldn’t see myself being healthy again. I convinced myself it was fine. The vicious cycle of eating, gaining weight, not wanting to do anything about it so eat more – I was fine with it. I of course was lying to myself.
The eating cycle continued. I had moments where I would drop a few pounds but they would find me again. Up down up down. We built our house and moved away from the ocean front, I didn’t change. We had set restaurants we went to weekly. Again, I was closet eating so I was the one gaining weight. Keep in mind that all those things I had done at work with food – they continued. Once I changed jobs I did lose a little weight. It wasn’t as easy to hide my eating there. We ate in a lot so I would pack something and it was hard to eat what I really wanted when everyone else was eating salad. We would go out for lunch too, the five or six in our dept. I didn’t always have to pick something healthy then. We also would walk across the street to Seven/Eleven to grab something small. Sometimes I’d get away with going by myself and I could get more junk.